Recently, a friend interviewed me about my “school” days at a private event. As I answered her questions, a sea of wide-eyed, un-“schooled”, quizzical and puzzled expressions faced me; their inquiries quickly started pelting out, one leading to another popcorn-ing into a lid-lifting pile. Unprepared for the onslaught, I had to keep reminding myself that their bewilderment was normal. I have become accustomed to talking cult.
The contrast between their shock, my surprise at their shock, and my ongoing conversations with “disgruntled ex-students” provides a stark reality check: with enough exposure, “school”-style thought reform becomes normal — freedom of speech be damned. The longer my tenure, the more dependent I “became”. The more dependent I became, the more I sought “teacher help” and approval. The more “help” and “approval” I sought, the more subject I felt to random “school” dictates – everyone in “school” seeks approval: “students” look to “teachers”; “teachers” look to Robert; and Robert looks to Sharon.
This group dependence comes from a cult-concocted mirage – a hierarchy that conveniently places “teachers” on the upper rungs as those who have been doing the work longer, with Sharon residing on top. At certain key moments a “teacher” would demonstrate his/her prophetic powers – magically sensing personal things and/or bringing up private matters in class, as though s/he was psychic. Of course, “school’s” “younger students” don’t know that “sustainers” report “confidential” conversations to the leadership. “School” uses the information to bolster the above-mentioned mirage, spinning “teachers” into prescient, “higher beings” with clairvoyant powers, connected to and supported by the Divine.
The truth is that the cult only has power if we follow “school” rules and keep cult secrets. If we don’t question where the money goes, or where the ideas originated, why the source of these ideas are kept from us, whether our “teachers” are truly more evolved, if we don’t ask why the lies are really necessary and who the lies protect, if we stay isolated by honoring “school’s” non-fraternization rule, we perpetuate this mirage. As a “student” your “only life things” will get squashed under the weight of propping up the leadership. If a “student” questions why “school” relegates his/her time, un-“schooled” relationships, passions, health, etc, to the lower rungs, in service to the cult’s mysterious “higher aim”, highly-evolved “teachers” will throw the inquiry back: “Why are you mixing levels?” That pat response becomes normal.
When I finally left the ranks, I had to put intentional and concerted efforts into separating my authentic beliefs from cult propaganda. Fortunately, I discovered a simple and clear-cut path to psychological and emotional health: break “the rules” — tell your story to other people; it doesn’t matter whether those other people are colleagues, or not; as you release yourself from “school”-sponsored secrets, you release yourself from a strange and invisible esoteric prison. For the more you talk freely about your experience, the more you separate the wheat from the chaff and your true beliefs from “school” dictates. When you extract yourself from cult programming, and reconnect to your authentic beliefs and nature, you truly do remember yourself.
Do you have any plans to publish a book? I don’t know much about it, but it seems you could do it inexpensively as an online-only book. I was in the school in the early to mid 1980s. A couple of years ago, around the time I found your blog, I wrote my account of my experience. It only ended up being 3 or 4 pages, though.
Hi whncht – Thanks for visiting, reading, commenting and asking about this… I don’t have concrete plans, but often think about it turning this blog into a book. You are probably right that I could publish inexpensively, I just haven’t really done the footwork to find out how to do it. Also, I think that including academic research on cult psychology, mind control techniques and the human need for connection, acceptance and purpose would make it a more useful publication, so I’d like to take the time to include those things … haven’t quite figured out how to map out the time yet. Thanks, again, for asking, though. It gets me thinking, because I would like to publish.
In my opinion, I don’t think you need to add academic background about cults or psychology. Your writing carries it all, and there seems to be a lot of it. People would be more interested in your experiences and perceptions and reading your writing. Consider books like the Bell Jar, Listening to Prozac, Darkness Visible (I used to read a lot about depression). I’m sure there is information online about how to publish, both self-publishing and through established publishers as an online book.
Thanks, again. Some others have encouraged me to publish. I’m gonna chew on what you say here … I appreciate the push, definitely.
SHIFT YOUR ALLEGIANCE
At some point, we need to stop identifying with our weaknesses and shift our allegiance to our basic goodness. It’s highly beneficial to understand that our limitations are not absolute and monolithic, but relative and removable. The wisdom of buddha nature is available to us at any time.
Pema Chödrön
At some point after many years of study in the context of school, from which I estimated that in the balance I had benefitted a great deal from, I began to clearly feel that there was a distortion of ideas that led us students to cultivate an unhealthy perseveration on faults and weaknesses that led us to fear, shame and indebtedness to school. Years after leaving I still go through bouts sometimes where I have recurrent dreams about being unable to escape from school–they are not nightmares but rather stressful bad dreams. It happened last week and I have once again awoken from them and affirm that I have stepped out of a dynamic that became in the balance unhealthy for me.
Hi Another Version,
Thanks for commenting. Would you be willing to say a little more about this:
“…that there was a distortion of ideas that led us students to cultivate an unhealthy perseveration on faults and weaknesses that led us to fear, shame and indebtedness to school.”
How did you experience it? What made you decide to leave? How was leaving “school” for you?
Thanks again, GSR
After almost 30 years, I still have dreams where I am somewhere and the “school” is having a meeting nearby. I have the fear that they are going to see me and somehow drag me back in. I have found that the dreams lessen in frequency and intensity over the years, but for many years they were intense.
I have only had a few dreams about “school”, but I’ve often heard others talk about their dreams. Wow, 30 years is a long haul! How long was your tenure?
It was about 4 years. I was in art school at the Museum School in Boston. I was probably the only “mid level” student who was not self-supporting. We renovated a loft North of Cambridge and all of us who worked on it were invited to Montana. I left from there about 1986.
So did you live in Montana? I thought that property was only used for “country retreats”. I’m struck by the ratio of 4-year tenure to 30 years of dreams.
Were you studying photography, by any chance?
No, Painting and Drawing. I’m still doing it.
“You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.” –Eric Hoffer
Breaking the rules used to cause a great deal of fear in us all. I think it’s true: they are so afraid of breaking the rules because they will be unmasked.
Hi Rebel,
Thanks for the quote, so accurate, and your comment. The less we “disgruntled ex-students” have to hide, the less power “school” holds over us. Breaking the rules debunks “school”-related mythology and seeps it of power.
GSR
The Montana trip was termed a “working vacation.” It was only to be 2 weeks, as I remember. I think I was there 1 week. Leaving had to do with breaking the rules. I had a girlfriend in Boston, and I couldn’t lie to her about where I was going. A few days into the Montana trip, a student was going into town, I gave him a postcard to mail (to let my girlfriend know I was OK, as she insisted). Well, Sharon let me know during a meeting that she knew about it. I was very ashamed and upset in general. I took some time and decided to leave. The ranch was beautiful and seemed magical. They put us to work building an endless wood post fence, chopping wood, plus all the cooking and cleaning chores.
Wow. Shamed for the crime of sending a postcard to your girlfriend … how evolved of Sharon.
Great ongoing work on this blog, thank you so much.
As I’ve said in other comments I was in the NY branch if school for nearly 8 years. I left about 5 years ago. I still have dreams from time to time and they are very similar to those described. Not so much nightmares as low-grade anxiety dreams. Often I find myself in a class and realizing, “wait, I don’t have to be here,” and then finding a way to leave. I kind of like them to tell you the truth. It’s like a reminder that I’m free…
I enjoy this blog very much. Keep up the good work. I’d be curious if anyone had recent news of the NY group…for awhile there were a slew of defections (around the time I left) that made it seem it might be coming apart…
I also have those types of dreams, where I’m in a group meeting and realize I don’t have to be there anymore. I seem to have more of those, with the passage of time, than the ones where I am somewhere and see the group and feel a need to get away before they see me and drag me back in! I suppose that’s progress!
Some of the people I knew in Boston “graduated” to the NY group. I’m careful not to mention any names here. One time in the ’80s we took a bus trip to Washington to see a play based on Oedepus with gospel singers. We stopped in NY and had a meeting with the NY group at the time.
Hi Rhylance –
Good to hear from you!
Thanks for reading the blog and I’m so glad you continue to find it helpful!
I’m really struck by the number of people who talk about their post-“school” dreams. I think It illustrates some real psychological damage — a “school”-related post traumatic stress disorder connected to the fear that the institution will hijack your life, again.
I’m really glad you said this though: ” … I kind of like them to tell you the truth. It’s like a reminder that I’m free… ”
For me, every “school”-free day reminds me that I am free. Honestly, I have never been happier, even with the anger I feel towards the institution and its manipulative, sinister and self-serving practices.
On that note, I believe that my anger is healthy — ironically “school” sometimes brought up the idea of “wrath at that which is odious”, but always treated us plebs as though we weren’t evolved enough to understand; little wonder that “school” wouldn’t want its proletariat to feel wrath at the odious.
A few months ago, I had a private exchange with someone who was trying to make the point that those of us who are “complaining” about “school” and blaming the institution and its teachers for wrong-doing, probably “aren’t very happy”. My experience has been exactly the opposite.The more I allow for my legitimate anger, the more I free my voice and authentic feeling, the happier and stronger I feel and the more present I can be to each and every new day in my life and how I am free to embrace the gift within every day.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your happiness in your “school”-free life. I invite others to share the benefits of leaving “school” in this blog.
GSR
OK, I will put in my 2 cents about dreams. I have them quite a bit and I left 10 years ago.
I remember a dream that I had shortly after I left “school” – people were doing work on my house and they were digging in the basement and creating basement after basement, digging down down down. FM was digging on the bottom level – way down deep. I remember waking up and thinking that it was a metaphor for how they buried themselves so deep into my unconsciousness and I wondered what I would have to do to get them out, finally, once and for all.
Usually, however, my dreams are about being with people who I knew and always being worried that Sharon or Robert might show up and get angry that I was there, throw me out, etc. In other words, doing what I wanted to do and wording that they might show up and I would have to fade away before they saw me. They never have actually caught me. I take that as a good sign.
Hello Rebel,
In response to …
“I take that as a good sign.”
As well you should! Congratulations on your 10-year emancipation anniversary and I raise a glass to your “school”-free life.
I had one of those dreams last night: I was at CR and participating in all of the activities EXCEPT for the meetings. The meetings, usually held twice a day for 3-4 hours were when you talked about the distorted “ideas” and where you confessed your sins and where you asked for that special “school” brand of “help” which was most frequently not helpful but designed to increase your reliance on school and alienate you from the rest of the people in your life.
I remarked to someone in the dream that I only participated in the “good” parts. Well, the truth is that some degree of hardship does help to cement friendships and community. These “good” parts, I can only help to remember now also included being woken up at 4 am to wash rocks in the dark, working throughout the night without sleep, standing for hours in a kitchen preparing 3 meals a day for 50 people, working construction projects 14 or more hours a day, doing repetitive tasks that permanently hurt my hands, back and shoulders – all this while being screamed at to work faster and being told that I was the scum of the earth. I have to conclude that something in us loves punishment.
Lest we forget…
At the end of the dream, I realized that R was about to show up and I had to make a mad dash out of there to avoid him and save my skin.
In some ways, I still feel like I’m on that mad dash out of there…
Hi Rebel –
Thanks for commenting. I am struck by how many people report these dreams years after leaving the group. I believe it speaks to the level of damage inflicted by it.
A couple of thoughts:
“…3-4 hours were when you talked about the distorted “ideas” and where you confessed your sins and where you asked for that special “school” brand of ‘help’ which was most frequently not helpful but designed to increase your reliance on school and alienate you from the rest of the people in your life.”
The more we talk about this cultic tactic the better. It is exactly what I experienced over my five year stint. I’m thankful left before I let them rope me into CR. That sounds like hell.
“…These “good” parts, I can only help to remember now also included being woken up at 4 am to wash rocks in the dark, working throughout the night without sleep, standing for hours in a kitchen preparing 3 meals a day for 50 people, working construction projects 14 or more hours a day, doing repetitive tasks that permanently hurt my hands, back and shoulders – all this while being screamed at to work faster and being told that I was the scum of the earth. I have to conclude that something in us loves punishment. ”
This description reminds me so much of things I read recently in both Jenna Miscavige’s book, Beyond Belief: My Secret Life inside Scientology and Lawrence Wright’s book, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood and the Prison of Belief. Apparently Scientology employs such abusive and ridiculous measures frequently, but especially when certain people misbehave and wind up in what is called RFP … I can’t remember what it stands for …
So is the 3 a.m. rock washing and hours of cooking and manual labor while being screamed at part of the dream, or a literal account of your school-sponsored “country retreat” ? If it is a true to life account, sounds like our friends at “school” got some tutelage from L. Ron Hubbard.
“In some ways, I still feel like I’m on that mad dash out of there…”
I believe that the only way we “school” survivors can dispel that feeling – the feeling that the institution still somehow as power over us is to reveal it, discuss it, write about it, express it through some venue — break the rules; break your silence; stop harboring a secret that eats away at you and only bolsters them. So thank you for writing and sharing and I hope you will continue to use this blog as an avenue to tell your story. I hope your telling will also serve as an invitation to others.