Who remembers self sensing?
This may sound strange, but everyday I’m grateful for my “schooling” in one particular way: I appreciate my psychological freedom, profoundly. I’m so grateful that I escaped while still healthy and able, not young, exactly, but not old. Still able to assert independence, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Recently I was mulling over how school’s instruction to practice “self sensing” every morning and recite a scripted “morning prayer” infiltrated the most intimate and legitimately private part of my life. Self sensing, school told us, was the practice of scanning our bodies, head to toe, upon waking up. Once finished with the body, expand the scan: the bed, the room, the house, your street, neighborhood, town … until you felt yourself rising above the globe, into the great wide open. I achieved this nirvana once. Most of the time, I fell right back to sleep — perhaps because I’d became sleep deprived by the contrived stress and demands of a cult.
Anyway, eventually school added the morning prayer … once the nirvana entered, we were to say: Good morning, God. How can I serve you today … and then lie there waiting for our answer from “God”. That one never worked for me and I soon threw in the towel. Mid to late cult tenure, I got fed up with “school’s” presence in my bedroom, first thing in the morning. “Fuck it, I’m sleeping.” It was a small, personal, rebellion — however I can say that not being sleep deprived really helps with clear thinking.
Anyway, among the many reports we gave in the hollow halls, we’d often report on how the self sensing/morning prayer thing was going. Mostly, I opted out, knowing better at that point not to admit my failure. It would surely be followed by a slew of “you must not be trying hard enough” messaging from the cast and crew. I let others pontificate on their amazing experiences and the wisdom gleaned from above!
Now that I’m out, I’m struck by a few things: 1) how I allowed indoctrination into my day-to-day, only-life-things. 2) I can’t remember the justification, motivation for these exercises offered by our “teachers. 3) how grateful I am that — in my most personal moments — if I pray, or if I meditate, or if I take time to notice the world beyond me, it’s internally motivated, not fed to me by a cult con.
I am wondering what others remember and experienced with self sensing and the morning prayer … so, if you feel inclined to share, would love to hear from you!
Thanks for this dead-on post Queen.
How can anyone wake-up, but then attempt to relax without falling asleep? Absurd. As for the “prayer” many a toady in “class” would report on other worldly answers to their prayers.
Hey there, Mr Spencer! Good to hear from you. You have to laugh about this stuff — I feel lucky to have a snarky, Jewish sense of humor!
Shortly after the morning prayer was introduced we were reporting on how we were doing with the exercise. One of my fellow classmates reported that the answer to his morning prayer was to leave school. You can imagine how well this went over. Robert wasn’t in class yet and it was the younger teachers leading the discussion, and they had no idea of how to respond. It was like a shock wave had gone through the class. If I remember correctly, the response was something like “surely you must be mistaken” and “that can’t be the voice of God speaking” Needless to say, he was on to something and he did in fact leave school shortly thereafter.
Personally, I often fell asleep doing these morning exercises and eventually gave up on them. I do think they have some value however. Self sensing certainly increases ones awareness of the body, and the morning prayer certainly increases ones awareness of the larger universe. Like many of my experiences of the group, there’s some good mixed in with all the bad. That’s why so many of us stayed so long. And then many of us woke up to the constant psychological manipulation and coercion going on. We were no longer “fed” by the classes, but instead became disillusioned and resentful of the time they took up.
I hear that many of the current students have their own doubts about the group, but stay because they are still getting something from it. For many, the main attraction is the ready made circle of like minded friends. I sincerely hope current students respect and nourish their doubts, that they make the effort to think for themselves and make their own decisions. I would hope they stop participating in bullying and shaming of other students. I would hope they draw lines on how much free time is devoted to school activities. I would hope they would question the validity of the “help” given in class. Take care and protect yourself and your friends both emotionally and financially!
Greetings, ROJ! Good to hear from you, too!
You make so many good points!
“… One of my fellow classmates reported that the answer to his morning prayer was to leave school. You can imagine how well this went over… the response was something like “surely you must be mistaken” and “that can’t be the voice of God speaking” Needless to say, he was on to something and he did in fact leave school shortly thereafter.”
I’m going to be laughing about this for a long time. That’s a great story — thanks for making my day! 😉
“I do think they have some value however. Self sensing certainly increases ones awareness of the body, and the morning prayer certainly increases ones awareness of the larger universe. Like many of my experiences of the group, there’s some good mixed in with all the bad. That’s why so many of us stayed so long. And then many of us woke up to the constant psychological manipulation and coercion going on.”
I have had many long conversations about this very thing. A dear friend who helped me edit a bunch of stuff over the summer, pondered it for months. We concluded that the tools offered by cults, like school, are always beneficial; but became harmful when in the wrong hands, greedy sociopathic, narcissistic hands. And – yes – that’s why it becomes confusing and why (in part) leaving is a struggle. This topic may deserve its own post. Chewing on that …
“I hear that many of the current students have their own doubts about the group, but stay because they are still getting something from it.”
I’d like to hear more about what you’re hearing … cuz, I haven’t heard a dang thing. Sometimes I wonder if school is still limping along, or if Sharon is still on the planet. Sometimes people ask me whether or not the group is still going. I have to say, I have no idea. Blog Monitor, would you like to weigh in?
“For many, the main attraction is the ready made circle of like minded friends.”
Yes, absolutely! That definitely contributes to making the exit a struggle.
“I sincerely hope current students respect and nourish their doubts, that they make the effort to think for themselves and make their own decisions. I would hope they stop participating in bullying and shaming of other students. I would hope they draw lines on how much free time is devoted to school activities. I would hope they would question the validity of the “help” given in class. Take care and protect yourself and your friends both emotionally and financially!”
Cheers to that! Cheers to your freedom! Thanks for your comment — always insightful! GSR