Recently I thought about the 6 bullet points, 6 alarms, that snapped me out of my cult coma. Just about five years ago, the dawn yanked me out of bed. I watched the sunrise at a neighborhood park. These realizations rolled out — germane to all present-day efforts — the CD, the crowdfunding, the presentation, the future book, the healing arts practice — all shaped by the following:
My Question, Love or Fear: I saw that I was miserable – hating “school”. Like a good parasite, it was sucking the life from me & gleaning many benefits: my money (really, my husband’s money), my time, my energy, were all siphoned out of my lagging to non-existent dignity. My marriage was next on the docket. I was only staying out of fear — what would happen if I left??? Would my life fall apart? How ironic. “What the fuck?” I asked myself, “Do I want to continue living and making decisions from fear?”
First Independent Decision in Five Years: No, I didn’t. I knew that my “teachers” would oppose that “No” — how would “school” continue micromanaging my existence, if I could say “No”. Like an alcoholic who suddenly wakes up to the fact that the whiskey is killing her — I put the bottle down. The level of dependence revealed, I was horrified. I thought, “If my life’s gonna get fucked up — if my marriage is going to fall apart — I’d rather fuck it up on my own, thanks.” Then I laughed out loud.
“The Source”… of what? : “School” lets “students” stew in love-bombing (love that term … it’s so groovy 70s) for a couple years before it floats its claim to be “The Source”. ALL CULTS employ some version of claiming to be THE SOURCE of some extraordinary, elusive, indefinable, magical thing. I watched the sun’s slow rise. It illuminated treetops. Darkness disintegrated. I thought, “How dare Robert call ‘school’ ‘The Source’. What bullshit.” I said, out loud, “Fuck Robert” and flipped off the sky.
The Irony: I needed “school” like a bullet in the head. It turned out, of course, that “school” needed me. They hate when people leave. Others may question, follow (that’s why most disappearances go unacknowledged) Without members, there is no “school”. No members means no income, no retirement fund, no $8million Park Plaza condo, without minions to prop up the queen.
The Secrecy: as all of this dawned on me (so to speak) I saw “school” slowly sucking my identity away. How did I allow this? The secrecy. Secrecy isolates, spreads and infects. Secrecy equals cancer. Cults are a social cancer. The antidote — No More Secrets.
That policy keeps expanding – this blog, new songs, a CD project, a presentation/one-woman show, a book project and — most importantly — a healing arts practice for those hurt by cults. No More Secrets is, has been, and will always be critical to my healing. Secrecy equals an invisible and bizarre prison. Speaking out equals freedom. Every time I expose this vast deception and con job, I am more free. There are many, many nefarious “schools”, i.e. cults. Different names, same game. What if we all spoke out …
The “Superiority”: why did I agree to this secret? Because it made me feel special and superior. It was exclusive … I was seduced by a “secret” idea called “Magnetic Center” (only “special people” have magnetic center). I was privy to “secret (NOT) knowledge” that “school” whispered & insinuated — ALL is possible, if you follow our prescription.
I was done. I recognize that I was lucky. My exit was immediate and clean. Most cult exits are more painful and confusing, because cults damage psychology — your perceptions, your thought process, your emotional wiring get infected, or broken.
But its not irreparable. My healing began with “No More Secrets” and it continues. The more I reveal, the more I’m free to reveal. The more free I am to reveal, the more empowered I am to embrace my life, my way, free of cult prescriptions. And that, my friends, is what I was seeking from “school” in the first place.
As a lucky woman, who is free, I’m donning the cult cape, with a mission to expose the blight and help others heal from bizarre, difficult to articulate and often shame-ridden experiences. If you are inclined to support me in this mission, please visit my Indiegogo/crowdfunding campaign, Cult Confessions: The CD!!!, or leave a kind word in comments here, or both …
Thanks for reading & enjoy your holiday weekend!