Good Morning Readers – this is gonna be a quick one. I wasn’t planning on writing today, but I can’t stand abuses, gaslighting, and injustice. I might as well use this little platform to speak my mind:
If you’re I’m furious about the people who are getting very rich off of our tax dollars to torture asylum seekers, including children, there are protests both in Boston and Lowell at noon today. I know that no one has time for this shit, but it’s the unfortunate reality now that Republicans are letting Don, Don do whatever the f he wants – I’ll be in Lowell. Maybe I’ll see you there:
Boston – JFK Federal Building, 15 Sudbury Street. Lowell – Jack Kerouac Park.
Yesterday, for some reason, YouTube tagged me in a pro-Trump demographic. I started seeing ads from Epoch Times, a news outlet run by the cult Falun Gong. Boy, are they trotting out the Trump propaganda – somebody made a graphic depicting how the Obama administration “spied on the Trump campaign” and “created a false narrative about Trump shining Putin’s shoes…” (I’m trying to not be crude, but you get the idea) Funny thing, those ads sounded exactly like Don Don, not so much like a legitimate news media outlet. The fact that a cult paper is propping up our Putin-appointed “president” would be hilarious, if it weren’t so horrifying. Heads-up folks, some will, in fact, believe that Epoch Times is “Clear, fact-based journalism without spin or hidden agendas.” (I.e Gaslighter Times)
I couldn’t sleep last night, so I re-read the article My Life in A Cult and want to share one more quote: “I know all this sounds nuts. Today, looking back, it’s hard to believe that I didn’t see it for what it was. But what I have come to understand is that these kinds of groups don’t function under the same, sober logic of the rest of the world; they are ruled by the irrational, mercurial dynamics of abusive relationships. Like junkies, we were powerless to the drug which we needed just to feel normal. We were so thoroughly gaslighted by Sharon that we believed leaving would be worse than staying. ”
This is important. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered, “What the fuck was I thinking.” But cult membership has naught to do with thought; our social wiring, plus emotional needs, makes us vulnerable – all of us… well, unless, of course, you’re Sharon, or Don Don, the narcissists and thieves; parasites who can only thrive by sucking the life out of others, and get off on seeing those others suffer, or as they say in Germany, schadenfreude.
Okay, I’m done venting … for now. I hope that you’ll join me in sharing your outrage about our current political shit show. Now that the political party formerly known as “Republican” (how quaint) is the Trump Cult, there really is no bottom.
Good Morning & Happy July, fellow “Disgruntled Ex-Students” and Rule Breakers!
Independence Day holds special significance for me. One silver lining of my 5 years in cult lite: I really get freedom. For as Tom Waits sings in San Diego Serenade, “Never saw the morning, till I stayed up all night.”
I never understood that free speech equals free minds, until I gave my voice away. Never understood the old saying, The Truth Will Set you Free, until I found the truth in a website called Esoteric Freedom. It exposed “school” lies. That freed my mind.
Here’s a source of truth for you: My Life in a Cult. The author spent 23 years in corporate HQ (i.e. School, NYC). This article is an excerpt from his forthcoming memoir. Perhaps his story will mirror yours. Perhaps you will see that a new “friend” is vetting you, or did vet you.
My recovery required understanding what happened. I wound through and unravelled “school’s” convoluted “clever insincerity”. It was 2011 and Esoteric Freedom exposed the cult’s seedy history, additional classrooms, “businesses”, arranged marriages, bizarre baby-swapping practices and the like. The lies became so stark that my cult coma snapped. Key moments that had always haunted me suddenly, made sense – for example when Lisa, my recruiter, told me, ” … I met my husband in an acting class. It’s hard to explain.” I thought, “Oh my God, ‘school’ arranged her marriage! No wonder she changed the subject.”
Esoteric Freedom handed me the key: truth. I released my story into this blog, stumbling and bumbling into recovery — reclamation of self though authentic voice. I will forever be grateful to Esoteric Freedom and the site’s creator, who took risks to expose the cult as a public service.
Unfortunately, “school’s” scumbag legal maneuvers took the site down — that’s what cults do, after all. Cults don’t like being called cults. L. Ron Hubbard built the litigation template for cults and “school” implemented the Scientology strategy. Those with wealth can intimidate and silence whistleblowers through the courts. Free speech anyone?
But truth does come out eventually and it will help you. So, I strongly recommend, this thoughtful, raw and honest account of how and why “school” ensnared an intelligent, articulate, educated young man for 2-plus decades. Truth is the medicine that your soul needs. There are reasons too vast for me to explain here why these con games work. (I’m writing my own book about that). For me, these two graphs boiled down the intentions of ALL cults. They all use the same playbook, altering details slightly, to isolate and foster dependency. I thank both of these whistleblowers and I look forward to the reading the entire book.
Sometimes I joke with my fellow “school” mate about “cult lite”, i.e. “school.” Seriously, though, my “school” days could have been much, much worse. True enough, this cult did rip apart my psychology, but thanks to my husband, I left before its darkest and most destructive practices infiltrated my life. The damage inflicted only made me stronger. And I’m aware that one more month, week, or day may have been just enough time to f*ck me up for my remaining years.
Michael Cohen’s public testimony before Congress inspired a post titled, “There but for the grace of God…part 1”. After the Trump White House, with its loyal monkeys and sycophants (i.e. the political party formerly known as Republican) Nxivm is next in line for the most vile cult on the planet. So … here’s part 2 of “There but for the grace of God…”
Smallville star, actress Allison Mack, is now facing up to 20 years in prison and has pleaded guilty to racketeering and racketeering conspiracy because of her involvement. The New York Times recently published this piece …
It’s worth reading. I was tempted to pull out a number of bullet points. However, I’m just going to share the two that hit me hardest:
According to the article, Mack and Christine Lakin (of the TV show “Step by Step”) are close friends and that Ms. Lakin described Mack as having a “touch of naïveté”, saying, “The person that I knew way back when was very curious about the world and relationships. I think she was just constantly searching for something that was missing in her life.”
Yea, I get that.
Here are the last three graphs of the article: “When Ms. Mack appeared in court in April to plead guilty, she wore a camel-colored mock turtleneck and tired eyes.
Her small voice wobbled as she spoke. She apologized. She wept.
‘I believed that Keith Raniere’s intentions were to help people, and that my adherence to his system of beliefs would help empower others and help them,’ she said. ‘I was wrong.’ “
I get that, too.
Who knows, really, why Ms. Mack’s vulnerabilities pulled her more deeply into Nxivm, than mine pulled me into “school”. I could just have easily stumbled into a parallel fate, losing everything, instead of freely practicing my free speech via this blog.
I get that, too.
Cults are evil and vile. And I thank God that I escaped mostly unscathed, though exponentially more cynical, but equally more hopeful.
Remember, Gentle Souls, there are people in the world who simply don’t deserve your focus, attention, energy. Your power lies in the power of saying no to parasites like “school”, like Nxivm, like the Trump brigade.
I just finished reading and recommend it for several reasons! What I appreciated the most – no glorification, no salaciousness. In fact the author, Guinevere Turner, says of her childhood in “The Lyman Family” –a group that fancied itself destined for Venus– is this: “Cults are fascinating — but one thing the Manson Family and the Lyman Family have in common is the banality of daily life inside these worlds … there are always dishes to wash and heaps of laundry to hang up to dry. The travel plans for Venus took place against a backdrop of these everyday chores.” Or … “It wasn’t all acid and orgies.”
She also points out “irrefutable truths” of cult-i-ness, such as … “a cult never calls itself a cult” & the presence of a “… charismatic, complicated leader” (i.e. Mel Lyman) & one who constantly issues “new rules for living”. By the way, Lyman apparently memorialized himself in the book, Autobiography of a World Savior. Additionally, cults always have to include mystical components – the Lyman’s preferred the Ouija board and a spirit they called Faedra.
Other familiar characteristics: the family were the only people with souls. In “school” you could “grow a soul” but only if you followed the “instruction” to the letter. After leaving, Turner’s mom would tell school administrators seeking records, “Oh the school burned down.” Turner’s reaction: “It was the first of many lies we had to tell to seem normal.” In “school” we called such lies, “clever insincerity”.
In my opinion, the most important and poignant line was the subtitle: Growing up in an apocalyptic cult wasn’t nearly as hard as leaving it. To be clear, the group told Turner to leave. She was still a kid when the group stuck her on a plane to Boston to pick up her 4-year old sister, who lived in the Boston-branch compound.
Years later, she returned to visit the “family” before heading to college. She was tempted to stay, to blow off college. “These people really knew me … I felt a surge of love and belonging.” But it turned out to be too late, for her. As a World Person, she could see it — the gender disparity. Women served. Men dominated. That’s the way it worked inside the “family”. “… the custom put me in a kind of panic.”
Interesting that the more dramatic, salacious cultic aspects came as an afterthought in her article … a kind of, I should tell you the “hard things” way … “…kids like me were punished by being locked in a closet for a whole day, or being deprived of food, or being beaten while everyone else was brought out to watch…” Etc.
I think that there are two interrelated human characteristics that make people especially vulnerable and able to normalize abuse: social wiring, the need to belong, and identity, the need to know and be the person you’re meant to be, your authentic self. Often times the social wiring, the need to belong, over takes the need for authenticity. That’s how deeply it runs. Turner writes, “It’s been four decades since I begged to stay, and I still care what they think.”
Alternately, though, these two characteristics are also the components that set us free from predatory groups — the need for authenticity is, itself, deeply wired in us, as well. For as Emerson once wrote: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Turner says “I had to accept that I had become a World Person” … in other words, a woman who didn’t want her life reduced to serving men. She then returned to The Others, the World People.
Now she writes screenplays and teaches at UCLA.
So … if you feel the need to read about cults this weekend, if you’re still grappling with a personal misadventure, if you’re feeling alone, her article is definitely worth your time.
Hello, Readers – this is a quick post to share some helpful resources. It turns out there are tons of podcasts about cult-i-ness. If you’re trying to understand a cultic misadventure, or feeling isolated and alone in your struggle check out the following – they might be helpful.
Generation Cult – produced by a journalist named, Dhyana Levey. I don’t know the details (I can’t seem to find a bio) but it sounds like her parents got involved in some group and brought her with them. The pod is quite good and I especially recommend it for those born in or raised in cults.
Indoctrination – Marriage & family therapist, Rachel Bernstein, hosts this pod and it’s quite extensive. She interviews ex-members and experts, saying, “I wanted to start a show that gives survivors a chance to tell their stories and for experts to teach us what they know. My goal … is to empower our listeners to protect themselves and those they love from predators, toxic personalities, and destructive organizations.”
Heaven’s Gate– Hosted by Glynn Washington, of WNYC’s Snap Judgement, this heartbreaking account comes from interviews with ex-members who escaped before the before the mass suicide and family members of some who did not escape. It’s been a while since I listened to it, but I remember being impressed and touched by Mr. Washington’s sensitivity and compassion for his interviewees.
Uncover: Escaping NXIVM – By now, if you’ve got a beating heart, you’ve heard something about this heinous group, branding members, forcing sexual relationships with its creepy leader, Keith Rainiere, now on trial in New York for a myriad of crimes that include human trafficking. Producers Josh Bloch and Kathleen Goldhar tell the story of Sarah Edmondson’s twelve-year involvement and how she eventually left.
Recently a small group of my friends helped me think through one of my cult-related projects. It got me thinking about the platitudes that school trotted during my tenure. All cults do this – it’s protocol. Loading language is cult 101
“School” platitudes are mainly drawn from Gurdjieff’s Fourth Way teaching, but not all of them. It might be helpful to share “school”-specific memes — perhaps some “rule” breakers seeking information about a weird group will recognize them. And I’d love it if some “disgruntled(s)” felt inspired to add more to the list!
These are the pat “school” memes that were popular between 2006-2011 …
“No unnecessary talking”
ask for help
what is your aim?
seal yourself off: Do. Not. Leak.
protect the invisible world!
No Internet research: it will poison your experience!
Last Wednesday, Cohen confirmed things that anyone with brain cells already knows – undeniable truths. Day after day, we watch “pres” Donny lie and cheat and degrade. Cohen’s testimony: Trump is a racist, a conman, and a cheat. Yep.
I have mixed feelings about Mr. Cohen. Would he have had this crisis of conscience if he had not been caught? Would he have drawn this conclusion? Probably not. But do I believe his testimony and his stated regret? Absolutely. I have swallowed that bitter pill. I know it’s flavor. I’m intimately acquainted with it.
I’m lucky that the “school” con is — in the grand scheme — insignificant, as opposed to the Trump con, which is endangering democracy. Millions of morons still prop up the huckster-in-chief. They say things like, “God elected President Trump”… To which I think, “There’s no cure for that level of stupid.”
But, of all people, I should be empathetic to Trump cultists. After all, cult stupid lorded over me for five years. I lied to myself, friends and family. I let “school” coerce, badger, bully and strong-arm me into doing things that I didn’t believe in, didn’t want to do, and felt crappy about: scam Christmas Trees, recruit “new friends”, dismiss my husband’s legitimate concerns and complaints, etc.
I was vulnerable to the “school” con. Trump’s toadies are vulnerable to the Trump con. I should get this. The dynamics are the same. If it looks and sounds like a cult, it’s probably a cult. Cults suck people in when vulnerable. I know that.
I’m too angry. The nauseating, obsequious servitude; the groveling; the willingness to humiliate others, and themselves, at the throne of their lord and master—mr. grab-em-by-the-pussy-cuz-when-you’re-a-star… Putin’s puppet, have all hardened me. It’s a weird, new, angry version of me. On the positive side, I’m not afraid of confrontation anymore.
The disastrous, Russia-sponsored, 2016, make America “great”, infomercial and Trump “election”, set in place my unapologetic rage. I do not control it and will not silence it. I hate bullies, cons and greedy, sociopathic, crooks and scumbags. My apologies to Michelle Obama, whom I admire greatly. I realize that my language is not high-minded. But it is honest.
Mr. Cohen’s Mia culpa softened me, a bit, to him (only, Cohen; not the other maga-hat morons). I heard him list off the worst in Trump-i-ness, and then follow each point with the phrase “…and yet, I continued to work for him…” I thought to myself, “yea, I get that.”
I heard him say that he’d given everything to a man whom he had admired, only to realize, that this man saw him as expendable. I remembered that, once upon a time, I believed in Robert. I believed, until I saw Robert’s callous disregard for me, my husband and my family. Then I realized that Robert was lying his ass off, to me, to my fellow “students”. To himself.
I get it. Cohen wakes up. It’s painful. He sees that he traded in his freedom, for greed, a blind loyalty born out of ruthless ambition. He endangered his family. Trump loses nothing. When you are a sociopath, other people don’t matter.
Cohen saw, too late, the unspoken cult leader agreement: you surrender everything to prop up the top dog. Your family, your wellbeing, your security, your freedom be damned. If you are in service him, you have value. If you aren’t in service to him, you are dismissed. If you speak against him, watch your back and your family members become open season for target practice.
So when Cohen said, ” … I am going to prison and have shattered the safety and security that I have tried so hard to provide for my family… ” I thought to myself, “There but for the grace of God, go I.”
I found the following excerpts especially poignant:
* I regret the day I said, “Yes” to Mr. Trump… I am ashamed of my own failings… my weakness and my misplaced loyalty — of the things I did for Mr. Trump… to protect and promote him. I am ashamed that I chose to take part in concealing Mr. Trump’s illicit actsrather than listening to my own conscience.
*Mr. Trump knew of and directed the Moscow Tower negotiations throughout the campaign and lied about it… he never expected to win… he stood to make hundreds of millions of dollars … so I lied about it, too.
* …being around Mr. Trump was intoxicating … you feel like you were involved in something greater then yourself. You were somehow, changing the world. I wound up touting the Trump narrative … Always stay on message. Always defend.It monopolized my life …
* … in the mix, lying for Mr. Trump was normalized. And no-one around him questioned it. In fairness, no-one around him today questions it, either.
*… motivated by ambition … ignored my conscience and acted loyal to a man, when I should not have. … unbelievable that I was so mesmerized by Donald Trump … was willing to do things for him that I knew were absolutely wrong.
*… and I did that … without bothering to considerhow it would impact, me, my family, or the public. And I’m going to jail, in part, because of my decision to help Mr Trump hide that payment.
So we come full circle back to “… and I am going to prison and have shattered the safety and security that I have tried so hard to provide for my family.”
Though far less extreme, I recognize Cohen’s story in mine. His language echoes mine. There’s a vocabulary to cult confessing; it’s reflexive. Maybe you, dear reader, reflect back on your personal experiences when you hear Cohen’s confession? This line, in particular, really got to me: “But in the mix, lying for Mr. Trump was normalized and no one around him questioned it. In fairness, no one around him today questions it, either.”
Mr. Cohen, I hope your redemption and emancipation continue. You know the saying, the truth will set you free. You might find that when you’re no longer imprisoned by the Trump fallacy — his self serving web of lies and secrets — you are freer behind steel bars than you were when running around the invisible prison of the Trump Cultdom, touting the party line. As you aptly pointed out to certain GOP toadies during the hearing, propaganda whores like Con-way, Huckabee Sanders and Guiliani, are now caught in the web, defending the fraudster at their own peril. They really should be paying more attention to your plight and Manafort’s and soon to be Stones, etc. etc. etc.
Personally, nothing freed me more than when I declared “NO MORE SECRETS” and stopped lying to “protect the invisible world.”
This may sound strange, but everyday I’m grateful for my “schooling” in one particular way: I appreciate my psychological freedom, profoundly. I’m so grateful that I escaped while still healthy and able, not young, exactly, but not old. Still able to assert independence, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Recently I was mulling over how school’s instruction to practice “self sensing” every morning and recite a scripted “morning prayer” infiltrated the most intimate and legitimately private part of my life. Self sensing, school told us, was the practice of scanning our bodies, head to toe, upon waking up. Once finished with the body, expand the scan: the bed, the room, the house, your street, neighborhood, town … until you felt yourself rising above the globe, into the great wide open. I achieved this nirvana once. Most of the time, I fell right back to sleep — perhaps because I’d became sleep deprived by the contrived stress and demands of a cult.
Anyway, eventually school added the morning prayer … once the nirvana entered, we were to say: Good morning, God. How can I serve you today … and then lie there waiting for our answer from “God”. That one never worked for me and I soon threw in the towel. Mid to late cult tenure, I got fed up with “school’s” presence in my bedroom, first thing in the morning. “Fuck it, I’m sleeping.” It was a small, personal, rebellion — however I can say that not being sleep deprived really helps with clear thinking.
Anyway, among the many reports we gave in the hollow halls, we’d often report on how the self sensing/morning prayer thing was going. Mostly, I opted out, knowing better at that point not to admit my failure. It would surely be followed by a slew of “you must not be trying hard enough” messaging from the cast and crew. I let others pontificate on their amazing experiences and the wisdom gleaned from above!
Now that I’m out, I’m struck by a few things: 1) how I allowed indoctrination into my day-to-day, only-life-things. 2) I can’t remember the justification, motivation for these exercises offered by our “teachers. 3) how grateful I am that — in my most personal moments — if I pray, or if I meditate, or if I take time to notice the world beyond me, it’s internally motivated, not fed to me by a cult con.
I am wondering what others remember and experienced with self sensing and the morning prayer … so, if you feel inclined to share, would love to hear from you!
Well, since I’m breaking my no politics rule and have confessed my obsession with ALL of the Russia-related investigations into Trump, his campaign and all of his businesses, I thought I’d share. By the way, there are 17. I’m keeping track on this blog:
I left “school” in 2011. I still say, the one good thing about experiencing “school” was leaving. I realized what I almost gave away. I am eternally grateful to have reclaimed it.
Every holiday season, no matter how perfectly imperfect it is, no matter how many years have passed between my tenure and my cult-free existence, I’m thankful to be free of the Christmas Party — the event to supersede all events that devoured five years worth of holiday seasons. Yep, folks, I don’t miss the constant and ever-growing demands always coupled with growing dismissal and disregard for all things personal, especially spouses and family.
Another gift that comes from leaving: time and agency. In that spirit, I decided after leaving to re-read classic literature from junior high and high school … you know, real school, as opposed to the cult that called itself “school.”
Recently, I finished John Steinbeck’s, East of Eden. As a holiday offering here are two quotes. Blog Monitor — I suggest that you share them with “school” leadership:
“A [human], after [s/he] has brushed off the dust and chips of [his/her] life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?” (p.475 )
“It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.” (p.477)
Happy, Merry! May you have a cult-free New Year in 2019!!!