This video comes from FCAT’s show, The Song, with Mary Wheelan. Mary interviewed me and Doug Kwartler about Cult Confessions: The CD! and my anti-cult campaign. I talk about why I’m driven to make myself the poster child, as a public service.

You can help me complete the CD and get this show on the road by making a contribution here: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/cult-confessions-the-cd/x/9346125#/

Thanks for your time, attention and support!

Hello Readers,

Since 2011, when I departed the hallowed halls a lot of projects have been brewing under the radar:

• A public awareness raising presentation based around my original songs to educate as many people as possible about predatory groups.
• As CD project and eventual record of these songs.
• A private therapeutic healing arts practice.

Cult experiences are full of endless ironies. For example, I went into “school” seeking purpose and found that purpose when I left. I will talk about cultic ironies in another post, though.

This post is to announce my Indiegogo crowd funding campaign. I’m really excited about the CD!!! My producer REALLY  gets it, and me, so I’m thrilled by the way it’s coming out! Woo hoo!

I do need to raise more funds to complete our work and I’m hoping that you, dear readers, can help me do so, either by contributing what you can, spreading the word, or both, if possible. So … here’s the link with more info:

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/cult-confessions-the-cd/x/9346125#/

Thank you for reading! Thank you for contributing! I raise a toast to your “school”-free life!!!

In 2012, I spent my first “school”-free July 4th in Washington DC, attending the International Cultic Studies Association Conference. I watched fireworks in the nation’s capital, from the DC Mall, and toasted my freedom with other ex-cult members hailing from a vast cross section of cults; all had once claimed answers, promised elusive enlightenment and freedom. All had turned those claims and promises into esoteric prisons.  All had perpetrated deception to steal free will and sublimate it into an agenda -$$$.

When I met ICSA’s executive director, I remember saying to him: “All of these fucking groups are the same.” Yep. They are. The marketing spin may vary; the loaded language unique to each group; but once you are in, the indoctrination process is the same.

Needless to say, Independence Day has taken on special meaning for me since then. I imagine the word freedom means different things to different people, so I won’t try to provide a definition. I can now tell you, with certainty, what freedom is not: freedom is NOT having emotions labeled as “negative” – some acceptable, some not, by some external “source”. Freedom is NOT having that “source” dictate what you can express and what you must “non-express”. Freedom is NOT being told what to think & how to talk. Freedom is NOT having personal decisions micromanaged by allegedly superior humans — for example, whom to marry, what do do for work, how to spend your weekend, etc. Freedom is NOT allowing some outside entity to usurp your time, energy, being in service to an elusive higher cause, at the expense of all things personal.

All of the above things are imprisonment. Do they sound familiar?

For those readers who have already left the hallowed halls, cheers to your freedom! I wish you well in reclaiming, your voices, your time, your relationships, your lives. For those who are “breaking rules” by reading this “evil blog”, imagine your life without those arbitrary rules, without the secrecy, without the mysterious “tuition” payments, without unnecessary strain on your time, your “unschooled” relationships, on your psychology. Imagine yourself free of the cognitive dissonance that comes with “clever insincerity”. Since you are here, reading this blog, I believe you are well on your way to your freedom and I toast your steps towards it! I’m happy to help, if you want to reach out through the blog, I will respond.

If you are here “breaking rules” by reading this blog, I implore you to consider “school’s” required secrecy, otherwise known as “privacy”. “School” will claim to be “the invisible world”. It will call lying “clever insincerity” and claim that the required lies are “necessary” to “protect the invisible world” from those who would destroy it!” (cough). By “breaking rules”, you endanger the ideas and the group.

Allow me to deconstruct this bullshit:

1. Invisibility: If you’re currently attending, your friends & family see that something is up. They can’t quite figure it out. They see your personality becoming flat and your vocabulary taking on a certain pat and stilted “quality”. They see you withdrawing and isolating more and more. They feel, see and hear you lying and are baffled by it. “School” is not invisible. Just ask Time Out magazine: http://www.timeout.com/newyork/things-to-do/follow-the-leader
2. Clever Insincerity: “School” lies. It lies to you. It lies to your “essence friends”. It recruits you, with deception, into a system of deception. It justifies lies by saying, ” … after all, people lie all the time. People don’t even know they are lying.” Lying for “school” is conscious lying, at least. It calls this system, “Clever Insincerity”, intentional deception that is necessary for  “privacy”. This “privacy” wedges between you and the rest of your life. The longer your tenure, the more lies and secrets, the bigger the wedge. Can you name one benefit to you, personally? Ask yourself how the group benefits. Maybe it has something to do with that monthly “tuition” … are you writing checks to OSG? Or paying in cash? Think about it. Who sees that money? Where does it go? You certainly won’t see it.
3. Privacy vs. secrecy: what’s the difference? Privacy is about things that are truly no one’s business: whom to marry; your sexual orientation; whether you believe in God, or not; what type of career is best for you; what to study in real school; whether or not to spend an evening reading the bible, or binge-watching Orange is the New Black. As an adult, you choose which things are personal and to be kept to yourself, or share at your discretion. Secrecy is about hiding. Hiding requires lies that are hurtful, to you and to those to whom you tell those lies.
4. As Mr. S so rightly pointed out in his blog recently, the “secret ideas” are not secret. They originate mostly with the never-mentioned studies of the never-mentioned seeker/philosopher –and  probably 20th-century cult leader– GI Gurdjieff. Ask yourself why  “school” omits his name in the hallowed halls. Then ask yourself why what you are doing right now, reading this blog, is  an infraction, “breaking school rules.”

“School” secrecy protects a system of fraud and deception. Like cancer it grows insidiously, damaging you exponentially. Unlike cancer, you can choose to lay that burden down and refuse to lie for this group; the healing is exponential. You reclaim your voice, you repair your relationships, you get your life back. And since the “invisible world” must stay “invisible”, there’s really nothing it can do to stop you.

Once upon a time society forced left-handed children to use their right hands. Yep, left-handedness was considered a sign of evil. Sounds ridiculous, yes? Yet we know well that fear & rejection of those who are — God forbid — different. This drama plays out over and over and over and over, ad nauseam and beyond.

The usual suspects are the most blatant: racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, misogyny, and anti-semitism. I also see a range of grey; subtle versions of this flawed hard wiring. The more subtle rejections play out in daily interactions and an accompanying range of psychological suffering. The message: as you are, you are wrong.

In childhood an insidious version of rejection flattened my self-confidence. Thus as an adult, I was vulnerable to predatory groups with radar for such insecurity. Self-assured humans are not as malleable. People who generally have confidence, don’t seek external guidance to the extent that I did. Cults need struggling souls that they can shape into cogs to bolster profit-generating cult wheel.

I call that process Cultic Identity Theft.

About The Set Up

In August, 2011, I departed “school”. A week later, on a road trip to South Carolina, I stared out the car window reviewing my illustrious tenure. This was the first step in my recovery.

The more pavement between myself and “school”, the more perspective I gained. My mind pulled back like a camera lens, the aperture widening. My five-year tenure rolled out like a movie: my recruitment, indoctrination and acceptance of “school” doctrine.

Each passing mile inspired the thought “What the fuck have I been doing?”

I have spent the last five years attempting to answer that question. The cult hooked me at a point when a triad of lifelong insecurities collided: Mid-career change, my hopes for the new occupation to dissolve lifelong insecurities around work and money started dwindling; each opportunity seemed emptier than the last. My boyfriend, at the time, flipped out, the relationship shredded. The political climate –i.e. Bush years, Iraq War, tunnel-vision-ed and pummeling patriotism, empty talking heads blathering about “morals”– gave creed to that message: as you are, you are wrong.

Raw and fragile, I clearly remember wishing I had mentors, people who believed in me and could help guide my choices. I clearly remember feeling embarrassed that, at 41, I still longed for such guidance. I have always tended towards introverted, sensitive, right-brained, creative and artistic. I was an empathic kid — soaking up emotions like a sponge from any and all. I have always needed to withdraw from groups, recharge with a sketchpad, or guitar, or journal, or book. These tendencies have always been with me.

These tendencies — the need for solitude, reflection, the capacity for empathy and compassion — seemed to freak people out when I was young. Rather then affirmed, or supported, well-intended, and not-so-well-intended, said I was “too sensitive”. I “thought too much“. My creativity was a nice hobby, but not something to take seriously. In order to “make it in this world”, I needed to change: as I was, I was wrong.

The problem: try as I may, I couldn’t change. At 41, I had the exact same temperment and associated troubles. How was I going to make it in this world, as I was? This constant quandary, and its close cousin, failure, plagued me long into adulthood. “School’s” lost-soul radar honed in right when I was giving up: other people found fulfilling jobs, creative careers, money, spouses, homes. Not me. It was the perfect time to encounter a “new friend!”  with a “casual discussion group” to offer. “We talk about ideas, tools for living. People come and go. We laugh a lot,” she said.

“Meant to be!”, I thought.

I was easy prey for Cultic Identity Theft.

Six-Step Cultic Identity Theft Implementation

1. bait with offer of community, and promise of access to “secret knowledge”

“School” Baited me with a “free 5-week experiment!”. A “second education”! “School” scoffs at our “only-life” “first education”. Its first lesson: “Self Remembering!”, conveniently ambiguous. “Teachers” told members, “verify this idea for yourself through your own experiences!”  Tasks such as “recording & reporting on self observations“ (i.e establishing confessions) and “setting and reporting on 5-Week AIMs!” followed.

2. encourage confession by offering “help” and “compassion”

“School” Encouragement: AIMS! and “self observations”  whisper of blossoming potential. “School” “supports” its “students” and their elusive (nearly-impossible-to- attain) inner development. It provides “help!”. It teaches ideas! When “AIMs” hit an “interval”, or self-observations became difficult, we learned to ask for “help”.

3. cultivate (sorry, unintentional pun) strict hierarchy through deceptive presentation: the “more evolved” “HELP!” and “teach” the “less evolved”.

“School” hierarchy cultivation: those who “have been doing the work longer” (“older students”, “sustainers”, and “teachers”) have “refined their vibrations”. They float above coarser humanity  and see all from above (cough). They are uniquely qualified (cough) to provide “HELP!”  “School” rolls out a system of ideas — mysteriously-never-mentioning the source, arcane Russian philosopher, G.I. Gurdjieff:

• “humans are not unified beings, but multiplicities; we do not have one ‘I’, but many ‘Is'”
• “humans are unaware of their multiplicity”
• “humans are all asleep; we come to a ‘school’ to awaken!” to “remember ourselves!”
• “people lie, all the time; we don’t know that we are lying, because we are asleep to multiplicity”
• “sentences that begin with the word ‘I’, are all lies, because we are not unified beings.” (Wrap your brain around that one.)

Note how all ideas deconstruct fundamental belief and thought process. With such tools, a skilled practitioner can empty a willing participant of basic identity.

4. spotlight insecurities and take credit for strengths over time

“School” Weakness Amplification & Credit-Taking: Only those who “have been doing the work longer” can provide real “HELP!”  They know “work ideas!” They “know you better than you know yourself.” Students who “ask for the most help” and “followed instruction” expedite evolution.

5. switch as higher ups hammer down on proletariat with reminders of weaknesses and failures

School Switch: the longer your tenure, the more license “more evolved” have to spotlight “weaknesses” in the name of “HELP!” As “older” cogs deconstruct, and empty, “younger” cogs, all cogs become more malleable, feeling increasingly insecure of their thoughts, emotions and perceptions, as well as positions within the cult. For some “essence friends” weaknesses morph into identity. Other essence friends are groomed and positioned to ascend the cult ladder. For the losers, once you are your weaknesses, you will always and forever need “help!”

(Oops, during recruitment, your “new friend”, neglected to mention that the “casual discussion group” expects lifelong membership. Kinda like the Hotel California … you can never leave! Well, you can; but expect to be demonized.)

6. “teach/preach” a prescriptive, soul-manufacturing process as the “only way” to “evolve”

 “School’s” primary soul manufacturing requirement: the longer your tenure, the more you surrender. Personal attachments inconvenience and impede evolution! We climb the ladder to “enlightenment” (cough, profit-generation for Sharon) together! Those who abandon the struggle, endanger all (of Sharon’s retirement fund)! It will be difficult! (a.k.a. “necessary suffering”), but you are lucky! Your “magnetic center” drew you to a “school” (cough).

“School” indoctrinates insidiously, slowly. It “celebrates”  Only-Life successes and offers “HELP!” for Only-Life difficulties. Never fear, over time the cult will credit itself for all-things-good and pin all misfortune on your “lack of effort”, “lack of valuation”, “coarse vibrations”, “not trying hard enough”. The cult couldn’t possibly be the problem! You need to work harder! You must surrender more!

Sleep deprived, isolated and increasingly unsure of thoughts, emotions and perceptions, each day more impressionable, malleable and easily shaped into cult cogness. Healthy self-protective components, like confidence and self advocacy, empty out. Indebtedness, insecurity, fearfulness and an incrementally increasing isolation due to the “school”-required secrecy replace those components. We cogs owe! We owe! So off to “school” we go, till death do we part, “paying for our arising” through, “THREE LINES OF WORK”:

1. Work on the self – self-observations, setting aims, a type of confession called “being work”, completing assignments!
2. Work for others – “HELPing!” fellow “essence friends”! I like to call second line the feeding frenzy — eventually the group tears into one poor cog. Everyone gets a turn to tear and be torn. Yippee.
3. WORK FOR “SCHOOL”!!! Recruitment, Recruitment and Recruitment. More members = Greater Profits.
   

 Theft Complete

RECRUITMENT is the apex of your “school” tenure.  Once a cog is willing to let it devour his/her life, s/he has arrived! Grocery stores, jobs, social events, concerts, commutes in trains and buses, coffee shops, bars, etc. etc. etc, blah, blah, blah, all become potential recruitment venues. The “Third-line of Work” nips at evolved heels, 24/7. It devours time, energy, talents, thoughts, emotions, unschooled” relationships for the “higher cause” ($$$$). With authentic self dismissed, the cult identity marches forth, poised to sniff out insecure “new friends” with “magnetic center”, and bank accounts, who are seeking “HELP!”

Sound familiar? Some must recognize various cults within this description. All cults employ the 6 steps. Indoctrination paces and vocabulary ( i.e. loaded language) vary from vulture to vulture; the marketing spin may target different demographics (bible study, yoga class, self help seminar, esoteric mystery “school”, etc.) but the nuts and bolts are the same.

All cults perpetrate Cultic Identity Theft; it is a psychological violence. That is what cults do. (right, Robert?)

The Result: My “Evolution” (cough)

Needless to say, the longer my tenure, the more my  functioning dwindled. In 2010, I was fired, (again). A constant –and constantly failing—“school”-fueled job search ensued. Between the Great Recession, and my non-existent self worth, job interviews … not auspicious. (Someday, for a laugh, I’ll share my more memorable job-search moments). Dependence increased, autonomy dwindled. My flattering cult-cog identity solidified: “woman who can’t hold down a job.”

Ah, “school!” you so inspire!

More painful, though, my writing voice disappeared. I started writing as soon as I could put sentences together. My “evolution” into an empty shell, with a dwindling bank account and no voice was nearing completion. Ironically, though, my cult loser tag became my ticket out. Angry inner rebels, did not allow the coma to take full effect. They said, “Fuck this! With such ‘essence friends’, who needs enemies?” My husband, witnessing “evolution”, one day, had enough of it. He confronted me. I departed the ranks. I was lucky.

This August will mark my true five-years cult free milestone; my time out now equals my tenure. Our trip to South Carolina, freed my writing voice. She returned with a healthy vengeance, culminating in a number of related public service projects, including this blog (more on those later). And, btw, ALL of my employment problems vanished with my exit.

The silver lining — I am finally able to embrace and fiercely protect the Gentle Soul inside that felt so rejected along the way. Essential components that  shaped my identity and make me who I am today. NEWS FLASH! I am exponentially happier, have a well-honed radar for bullshit and no tolerance for cons, parasites and vultures. Thanks, “school”! Guess you did teach me something. Of course, I had to leave to really understand the lesson.

Cultic Identity Theft touches on a huge problem, though: the societal rejection of innate and unchangeable identity. The human suffering it inflicts ranges from busted confidence, to vulnerability to predatory cults, like “school”, to heinous violence.

We witnessed the worst last weekend, one man gunning down over 100 innocent people — 49 dead, 53 injured. His target — a gay nightclub, celebrating Latin night — attacks on two fronts of identity: sexual orientation and Latin heritage. The perpetrator’s personal grasp on identity appears tenuous, at best. Amidst the carnage, he pledged his allegiance to ISIS. But reportedly he had in the past pledged allegiance to other extremist groups, including Hezbollah, a sworn ISIS enemy. The FBI investigation, thus far, has not produced evidence of said allegiance to ISIS. Lots of evidence, though, pointed to his 10 years of frequenting of gay night clubs and accompanying use of “gay dating apps to make contact with men”.

Was he keeping his identity as a gay Muslim man secret? Was he living a lie? Did he inflict his self-hatred on 100 plus other people? We will never know his true motivation. But this is clear: rejecting identity is a type of psychological violence that culminates into physical violence. The danger it poses large scale plays out again and again and over the last decade appears to be growing. What is ISIS, after all, but one group’s rejection of all things it fears, or deigns as evil. Things it doesn’t want others, to do, or be.

Cultic Identity Theft is simply one insidious facet of a huge and unchecked human flaw.

This topic, honestly, is to vast for a blog post. Perhaps it will become a book. For today, I end on this thought: the world would be a vastly different place, if humans practiced acceptance of ourselves and of others. If we focused primarily on becoming the best versions of ourselves we can become, in the short time that we have on this beautiful, albeit flawed, planet. If we weeded out prejudices, rather than acting them out, I wonder what kind of potential the human race would have.

On that lofty note, thank you, for reading this diatribe!

who the fuck buys a red bathtub?

During my “school” tenure, I always had a toe out the door. While deep in a cult coma, I believed I was lazy. This “laziness”, i.e. resistance to brainwashing, kept me from “graduating” (cough) into the “older class”. I never brushed with the “inner circle” and “school’s” illustrious inner workings. Thus I occasionally popped out of the cult bubble and wondered:

1. Do all of my “essence friends” pay $350 month, like me?
2. Where does all of this money go?

Basically, those with more money, pay more tuition. BTW, if you suddenly can’t afford “school”, “school” will suddenly grant you a reprieve. Try it. And, of course, all profits go to Sharon. But if you want details about how “school” invests “tuition”, I suggest you read these two blog posts and the accompanying comments:

Do The Math

She Works Not So Hard For The Money

You might find it interesting to learn what happens to the money you’ve invested in your “arising”.

… Yay! Some fellow “disgruntled ex-students” have shared items of interest. Thought I’d pass along the latest in cults:

New Documentary: Holy Hell 

Standing up to Sharon Gans: This Blogster has been quite busy; adding video posts, and supplemental blogs. Personally, my favorite recent development is the post that calls “school” out for falsely claiming ownership of Fourth Way ideas: “They tell the new members that ‘the Work’ or ‘the Study’ is entirely an oral tradition straight from ancient times and cannot be found in any writings. They conceal from members that the foundation of the cult is the spiritual system called ‘The Fourth Way.’ Gurdjieff and Ouspensky are never mentioned.’ ”

Once upon a time, I discovered a little book called “Introduction to The Gurdjieff Work” — low and behold, it contained ALL of the “never-to-be-found-anywhere-else-because-this-is-an-oral-teaching” ideas exclusively “taught” (cough) in the hallowed halls. Five-years worth of anger bubbled up. I saw “school” lying to me, and everyone else, from start to finish. Time to expose the “invisible world”.

Thank you for all of your hard work, Mr. S!

Lastly, have you ever donated clothes to these guys?

The word on Planet Aid is that it’s just another cult called “The Teacher’s Group”. The organization sells the donations for charity, it says. Others, like the FBI, say that “The Teacher’s Group” diverts the money for personal use. It’s leader, Mogens Amdi Petersen, is on the run as the Danish Government wants to charge him with charities fraud and tax evasion.

Isn’t that heartwarming?

God, how I hate cults. But they have been around for God knows how long … the real question, I suppose, is why do they exist. They are feeding on some kind of emotional/psychological need. I guess it’s up to us cult-busters to sort that out.

A.k.a The Hope Market

Of the BITE model’s four categories, I found Emotional Control to be the most powerful.  Cults are emotional traps. Unmet emotional needs make intelligent people vulnerable. Cults leverage vulnerabilities, dangling promises of HOPE! If you take the bait, a switch will follow shortly.

When my “new friend”, i.e. master sales woman, Lisa, floated her bait, I was primed. Befuddled by life, I sought direction — “school” promised purpose. Brokenhearted, I sought connection — “school” provided community. Disheartened by empty and meaninglessness jobs — “school” offered possible fulfillment and direction. It whispered all of this promise in the “free five-week experiment!” Sign me up!

Eventually, free morphed into “paying for my arising” — $350/month.

Hassan writes: cult-style Emotional Control amounts to leveraging all-or-nothing thinking ” to manipulate and narrow the range of a person’s feelings …either you are a ‘chosen’ member of the elite … part of a wonderful movement; or you are broken, un-spiritual, have bad karma … are sinful … need to repent, try harder”.

My “5-week experiment” … oh, em, I mean indoctrination period… started with four other “classmates”. My new “essence friends” and I “set AIMs!” Enlightened “teachers” supported our “efforts”. We supported each other. We  read classic literature and discussed the human condition: Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde; The Shadow; Grimm’s Fairy Tales; Emerson; Thoreau, etc. etc. etc. The real literature — as opposed to creepy cult pamphlets (think Scientology) — gave “school” an air of legitimacy. Together we hungered to understand the world and humanity.

By experiment’s end, two disappeared, and two remained, a few others cycled through for a class not to return. “School” informed us that we who remained were the elite, intrepid, proven ones! Most sleepwalking humans can’t hack it, as proven by evaporating “classmates”. We were “ready!”

We graduated (cough) into the “older class”, where whispers of a phenomenon I call The Soul Factory bubbled, toiled and troubled (how “school” loves Shakespeare!). “School” insidiously steams the offensive “men and women are born soulless” nugget into minions. Only those “WILLING to do THE WORK” manufacture souls. The “un-schooled” (poor dears) are obliviously tripping down the road to perdition!

But, “school” claims, most men and woman don’t want to awaken! They may claim to seek enlightenment, but “they” aren’t “willing to do what it takes!” (cough, give up everything to the mysteriously-rarely-mentioned Queen & her $8million condo) Not really.

God knows, you don’t want to be one of “Them!”

Hassan writes, “Fear is used to bind the group members together in several ways…”

These two fear-inducing tactics may sound familiar to my fellow “disgruntled(s)” …

1)Creation of outside enemy (seeded in “youngest class” as illustrated above)
2)Terror of discovery and punishment by leadership if you fail, or shirk, your evolutionary duties.

The two tactics work together, hand in glove.

At one point, I asked Robert, about alternative methods of soul construction – a friend was trying Transcendental Mediation (known as simply TM to some, and just another cult to others; but that’s another Oprah). His face went dark; he struck with, “We are not here to judge your friend.” I felt a tingling heat prickle out from the center of my chest and spread into my face, which probably turned beet red. I didn’t realize I was “judging my friend!” Silly me, I thought I was asking a sincere question. Thank God my cult leader shed light on my inner trial judge!

After departing and uncovering the vast web of “school” lies  (see information control), I recognized the unexpected verbal lashing as the deflect-attention-from-legitimate-questions-onto-inquirer’s-questionable-character strategy; employed when students point out holes in “school” presentation. It shut me up, so it worked.

There must be a logical fallacy that covers the change-the-subject-by-attacking-your-opponent tactic (ad hominem, perhaps?). Presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Drumph, meets all criticism with character assassinations. It’s an effective strategy, right Robert? By the way, I’m so sorry I offended your cult sensibilities! I had no idea I was bringing up the competition! I believed that “school” was a school.

Many such character attacks bounce down the hallowed halls, when “students” ask legitimate questions, voice concerns, or complain about “school” demands. A FEAR of being called out started gnawing away at me. After all we were special (cough) men and women, solely RESPONSIBLE for humanities evolution! We’ve been called on to cultivate (cough) “finer vibrations” through “school”-required efforts! These waves of influence ripple out invisibly! and are the only hope for all mankind! Even “THEM!”, the un-“schooled”, deserve a chance! As a “school” cog, you either climbed the ladder “school”-style, or devolved into “THEM!”, with your self-will (horrors) at the helm. We must overcome laziness, lest we let down the world! Oh, and we also basked in the glow of our unmentioned, but glaringly apparent, self-congratulatory superiority.

With no in between, we became terrified of de-volving into “THEM!”. Thus we dreaded the shameful–but unavoidable–“maybe you’re not trying hard enough” accusation. Of course, cognitive dissonance — or my inner rebels, as I like to call them– started pointing out that many of “THEM!” seem to be doing quite well; in fact, the longer my tenure, the more my rebels pointed out the “THEM!”(s) whose “only-life” endeavors far exceeded mine – my ability to function in the world was – in fact – declining with “school’s” “help” (cough).

But GUILT stepped in to distract from the endless inconsistencies (too many to name here). As “school’s” enlightenment tasks increased over time, Robert lectured, “Man has a skewed relationship to time!” If a “student” foolishly said, “I didn’t have time to [name soul-construction-task-here]“, he would scoff! I learned quickly not to utter the phrase, “I didn’t have time to […]”. Better to either lie, or hide during “class discussions”.

Hiding proved the easiest option; other “students” seemed eager to step up and curry favor with reports of successful soul-building efforts, or sincerely ask “teachers” for “help”. All I had to do was remain quiet. The guilt that compounded was far more tolerable than the spotlight o’ shame. And, oddly, the “more evolved” never “sensed” when I was hiding, or lying. The guilt compounded more, further strengthening the compulsion to hide. So did the cognitive dissonance — why aren’t these highly evolved beings calling me out?

After leaving, and sinfully talking to other “disgruntled ex-students” (horrors!), I learned that almost every, if not all, “school” doobies lie about their soul manufacturing efforts (especially recruitment, because everyone hates it). My evolved “teachers” weren’t calling me out, because they were busy worrying that a more “evolved” someone might call them out (my compatriots will probably recognize the term internal considering).

Humans — I have learned — will avoid humiliation like this at all costs. The threat proved a powerful social engineering tool. Thus we gathered together to posture twice a week, plus. We few, we proud, diligently pretending to do THE WORK, while stewing in evolutionary guilt, and hoping that no one would notice. Ah, so inspiring!

After our bi-weekly posturing and hiding acts, we floated off silently into the night, honoring the required hour-of-silence (“seal yourself off from THEM!”)  to continue the pretense of “experimentation”. “School” requirements spun us all into evolutionary, soul-manufacturing, empty shells.

Simultaneously, a seemingly contradictory cult component gnawed away: Hassan writes, “Confession of past sins or wrong attitudes is also a powerful device for emotional control.”

All the academic cultic scholars that I’ve read discuss Robert J. Lifton’s Cult of Confession from his seminal work, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism. Confessionals are part-in-parcel and “school” established them early: we shared our “self observations”, we “asked for ‘help'”, we did what school called “being work”, in which a “student” requests “help” from a “teacher” with a particularly troubling inner “weakness”.

Cults are nothing, if not ironic: as we hid, we also confessed sins and weaknesses. “School’s” was careful to extend more compassionate “help” to it’s “younger” minions. Thus we became accustomed to confessing our weaknesses and asking for “help”. For me, personally, “school’s” pretense of compassion fell away after my tenure passed year two. And once exposed to the “older class”, where verbal lashings were more common than compassion, I started hiding more and confessing less. For, as Hassan writes, “Anything you say can and will be used against you.”  

Over time, though, these “confessions” evolved into one-more-ironic pretense: an illustration of the extra “effort” a particular cog was putting into his/her evolution. The leadership would praise such “efforts”, and — surprise, surprise — would use the information in key moments; for example, if said cog contemplates departure, a “more-evolved” being should out a topic-o-confession and let ‘er rip! Confessions induce a cult-contrived paranoia that seems to grips ex-members long after they’ve departed. I will talk more about cult paranoia, specifically, in a future post.

Sane, “un-schooled”, readers probably wonder why this ever-growing exercise in emptiness did not expose the group as fraudulent, prompting me to scramble away at warp speed. And I have heard many reporters ask ex-cult members, i.e. whistle blowers, “Why didn’t you leave?” Most are hard-pressed to answer – complex and convoluted — no sound bite can capture and explain the decline of free will when in a cult coma and we are living in a superficial sound-bite world.

Additionally, it takes a lot of post-cult excavation to understand why ” … I didn’t just leave.” Humans have an amazing capacity for justification. And victim blame being the norm in today’s culture, most would prefer to shove their cult days into a dark closet and pretend it didn’t happen.

I’ll try to explain how cults leverage paranoia and fear. As the group  isolates you from all non-members, it spins you in a cult-induced insanity; the cult coma falls into three categories, that braid together and tighten into knots as years pass:

1) Addiction: you feel emotionally, spiritually and morally dependent on the group.
2) False belief: you believe that the group truly has a mission that will save humanity.
3) Isolation: you’ve burned bridges with “others!” and the cult morphs into family, friends, in some cases, work.

Sometimes my cult coma broke briefly, usually when “school” demands increased, stealing more of my lowly only-life time; especially when the make new friends! requirement rolled out. Resentment would perk up and say, “I didn’t sign up for this.”  I saw the deceptive presentation that drew me in initially — i.e. casual, bi-weekly discussion/philosophy group, offering tools for living, as opposed to the group’s true nature: rigid & secretive predatory cult, that demands increasing amounts of time, requires lies, isolates members from non-members, while charging $350 a month, til death do you part and demonizing all defectors.

But the more isolated I became, the worse I functioned. The worse I functioned, the more I needed to believe in the group pathos, doctrine, evolutionary order, or (cough) AIM! My life devolved as fear and dependency increased. The more dependent I felt, the more I justified the ever-growing inconsistencies, and abuses I witnessed. My inner rebels rumbled. The starry-eyed believers clung desperately to my early “school” days — so full of hope and wonder! Cult paranoia worked its magic — if I left, I would lose it all; some kind of annihilation loomed around every corner. And that, I believe, is why it’s so difficult to “Just leave”.

Thus cult cogs are nicely set up for the next component of Emotion Control;  Hassan writes: “In order to control someone through their emotions, feelings themselves often have to be redefined … loyalty and devotion are the most highly respected of all. Members are not allowed to feel or express negative emotions…”

All roads lead to my favorite! The Non-Expression of Negative Emotions, as discussed in previous posts. “Negative emotions aren’t real.” “School” taught us; You know – resentment, anger, aggravation, jealousy. Petty little feelings that induce more pettiness — embarrassment and shame. But — more importantly– those “not real” feelings, if one is paying attention, threaten to expose inconsistencies, abusive and manipulative practices, etc.  A good “school” cog should only feel a constant state of blissful gratitude! Perhaps some of the following be-a-good-cog directives will sound familiar:

” … internally consider, never; externally consider, always.”
” … be willing to take the dirty end of the stick.”
” … take the help.”

Thus, once you throw this next component in the stew, “school” has ya’, in classic cult style.

Hassan writes: “People are often kept off balance, praised one minute and tongue-lashed the next … this misuse of reward and punishment fosters dependency and helplessness.”

After enough time, a child-like wish to please my teachers started to drive me. Humans are hardwired this way; we have social needs: acceptance, approval and belonging. You see this in children who — for the most part — live to please their parents. These needs are also apparent in assisted livings and nursing homes. They don’t disappear over the years. They are at work in all kinds of social situations. Nothing cements social bonding like the reward and punishment cycle. Predatory groups feed on such needs.

Emotions are tricky devils, really; unmet, they make us vulnerable. They bring out the worst. But they can also be our better angels and our inner guardians, protectors. When I finally listened to my “non-expressed negative emotions” those allegedly “not real” feelings pointed to the very real fact that “school” was about to break up my marriage. Every day I thank God that I could not trade in my marriage for “school”-style enlightenment.

When I stood at the crossroads between “school” cog-ness and my marriage, I saw fear ruling my life for five years. My choice was to either continue living the fear-based, “school”-directed existence, or take a chance on myself — maybe I do know something. Maybe I don’t need other people to micromanage my life, and dictate personal choices.

The Rebels– those oh-so-pesky “not real” emotions — pointed out that my “school”-led life was devolving into a ridiculous scrambling. And if “The Source” didn’t care about my husband, it also didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. So I let go of all the pretense with its secrets and lies. Nothing has been more freeing. I hope all experience freedom innate in No-More-Secrets.

Emotional needs drew me in to “school”. Emotions also set me free. Today, my un-“schooled”-only-life-things have been going quite well, thank you very much (sorry to disappoint you, Blog Monitor; but it’s something you might want to consider for your life) Don’t trust institutions that feed dependence, dictates decisions, institute lies and isolationism.

I can thank the cult for the following: I am no longer befuddled by life, for I now have the direction and purpose: speak out against predatory groups, expose abusive practices, offer education and whatever else I can to help fellow “disgruntled(s)” heal from the strange and confusing psychological and social violence called cults.

So, here’s to No More Secrets and, if you’re here because you’ve been compelled to “break ‘school’ rules”, break more rules.

This post is the third installment plugging my “school” days into Steve Hassan’s BITE model, as outlined in his anti-cult book, Freedom of Mind.
So far, my “school” tenure fits the Behavior control component of this model. “School’s” Information control is classic cult stuff (congratulations, Blog Monitor!).

Today’s installment: Loaded language + Thought Stopping = Thought Control

Hassan writes, “Cult language is totalistic and therefore condenses complex situations, labels them and reduces them to cult cliches …”

“School’s” loaded language/vocabulary sprout from the following top–secret-but-not-really concepts: (please insert booming & arrogant voice here) “as we are, we don’t know ourselves“; “man is asleep“; “we are not unified beings, but multiplicities“ “we are here to REMEMBER OURSELVES“.

These ideas come from the studies of the neither-mysterious-nor-elusive-but-oddly-never-mentioned G.I. Gurdjieff, a 20th century Armenian philosopher, whose work was quite popular back the groovy 70s.

Self-Remembering! is where “school” kicks off. “We Are Here to REMEMBER OURSELVES!” Ah, so exclusive and magical! No one could define it. We needed to experiment! with “school” assignments in order to “… have our own experiences of self remembering!”. Approach THE WORK, “school” instructed us, with a “healthy skepticism and a nickel’s worth of trust.” (“school” neglected to mention its hidden interest rate).

The assignments appeared harmless enough. We began by recording “self observations” of our “3 centers”, a.k.a. “3 brains” — moving, intellectual, emotional. Throughout the day & night we were to write in little notebooks in this format: As a function of the [MOVING/INTELLECTUAL/EMOTIONAL CENTER] I observe [RECORD thought/feeling/action] when [DESCRIBE CONTEXT].

Funny thing … through “self observation”, I started feeling as though I could separate and free myself from my less-than-stellar thoughts and feelings … they could be seen as “functions”, not my identity. It was amazing! Sometimes my “observations” were very funny! Sometimes I felt as though I were writing a play, all the world’s a stage (ah, Shakespeare!) I enjoyed this experiment, at first. It was magic!

In my excitement, I kinda missed that these “experiments” parsed out, flattened, & categorized my essential identity. I accepted its deconstruction of my inner world — my thoughts, psychology and emotions as necessary soul manufacturing enlightenment tools. How could they possibly be destructive? My benevolent “school” of enlightenment would never intentionally hurt me … would it?

When one is in “school” long enough this parsing out –in particular the idea of Multiplicity — morphs into a convenient method of deflecting legitimate questions, shaming resistance to demands, and silencing criticism.

“Teachers” start responding to concerns such as, “Where does our tuition money go?” with the following convoluted and pat phrases: “which I is speaking”? Or broken down more, “which set of I(s) are speaking? Perhaps you are in a Lazy-set-of-I(s). I(s) that don’t want to do The Work. I(s) that are like JUDAS, trying to destroy the finer vibrations your are cultivating, by blindly following instruction. For If you want to construct a soul, you must do what  ‘it’ does not want to do.”

Note the answer-these-questions-with-non-answer strategy, because non-answers and character attacks slowly increase in prevalence in concert with the length of your tenure, as does the deconstruction and parsing out of one’s psychology. Please also note the dehumanizing application of the word “it”.

Hassan writes that totalistic cults pitch a doctrine that divides the world into either black or white, good or bad, us vs. them: “All that is good is embodied in the leader and the group. All that is bad is on the outside. The doctrine claims to answer all questions to all problems and situations. Members need not think for themselves because the doctrine does the thinking for them …” Cliches and exclusive vocabulary construct invisible walls between members and non-members. “The language helps to make members feel special and separates them from the general public.”

“School” isolation tactics slowly heat to a boil, saturating “students” in illustrious indoctrination over time. For roughly two years, I “experimented” with the above-mentioned “secret” ideas, doing what “school” called “first line of work – work on the self”. We were scientist – observing human nature! I was rising above myself and my life, watching, listening and recording observations. A sense of superiority simmered, bubbling through “school”: we are men and women who are “working on ourselves!”, “awakening!”, doing “THE WORK!” – blah, blah, blah, unlike the “others”.

This superiority became increasingly apparent as my tenure ticked past. At times I pitied those who “weren’t in ‘school'”. They didn’t have “the help” (cough) that I had. According to “school”, those of us in were attracted to the work by our “MAGNETIC CENTER”. Not everyone has MAGNETIC CENTER!

Conveniently, it also solidified “school’s” cultish hierarchy. “Teachers” have been “doing THE WORK! longer” and float above the rest of us. “Teachers” provided “second line of work  – work for others” through “help” for inferior beings. Robert was clearly the top dog and his “help” was the end all be all, not to be questioned! “Older students” &  “sustainers” were superior to the “younger class” (obviously) and the “youngest class” –the newbies– were almost hopeless.

The newbie “class” met separately for a time (for the 5-8 week experiment, depending), mainly with Robert (guess he had to suss them out, while he spun his magic). After dismissing newbies for the night, Robert would often come to the “older class” and complain about them. The poor dear, he would get so exhausted, trying to impart wisdom to those who were still so coarse in their vibrations. He would gaze at us adoringly and tell us what a relief it was to be around those who were “working on themselves”.  He would proudly remind us how far we’d come! Of course, even those almost-hopeless newbies were superior to the “unschooled”, the sleepwalking masses — those “NOT DOING THE WORK”. At least they had MAGNETIC CENTER!

It’s convenient for “school” –and all cults– to spin the “others” as inferior, coarse humans, because eventually “others” will  express concern about this weird group. Students begin to experience the coveted “school” “friction”, pitched by the group as “necessary for one’s arising”. When friends and family complain about the secret group that requires bi-weekly attendance, a “student’s” odd behavior, flat affect, change in personality, etc, and decreasing availability to (cough) “only life things”, “students” turn to the more highly evolved — “teachers” — for “Help”. Over time “help” morphs into pat phrases, that are applied to every single “student”, regardless of personality, or personal circumstance. Given enough time, personal won’t factor in to cult cog evolution. Perhaps the following pat phrases sound familiar to some of you:

“what do you wish for?”
“what is your AIM?”
“What does your husband/wife want? Find out and give it to him/her.”
“Your [husband/wife/friend/sibling/partner] is jealous that you are doing what you love!”
“Tell [him/her] that it’s none of [his/her] business.”

This “help” all leads to the heartwarming “When you’re working on yourself, any man or woman will do.” You can imagine what this “help” does to an  un-“schooled” marriage. Given a long enough tenure, “others” become obstacles to your “self remembering”. “Others” inconvenience the higher “aim”.  If they aren’t grateful for your non-presence and illustrious “efforts” and the accompanying neglect of family and friends, they are jealous and “don’t understand.” Oh, by the way, many  of the “older students” are secretly married to each other, or had been and are now divorced … read the School & Marriages post, for more info on that.

Cult vocabulary, Hassan writes,  ” …  also serves to confuse newcomers, who want to understand what members are talking about. The newbies think they merely have to study harder in order to understand the truth, which they believe is precisely expressed in this new language. In reality, though, loaded language helps them learn how to not think, or understand. They learn that ‘understanding’ means accepting and believing.” 

Loaded language, plus growing demands, plus increasing “friction” and growing conflict between the “student” and his/her “unschooled” friends and family, leads to a kind of “school”-propagated disorientation. “School” starts to pin the inevitable problems between the “schooled” and the “un-schooled” on the “student” – pat phrases like, “maybe you are putting out coarse vibrations”, “maybe you aren’t trying hard enough”, “are you sure that your perceptions are accurate?”, “which set of Is are speaking right now?” ring through the hallowed halls.

“Students”, of course, believing in the magic and the hierarchy, start thinking …” if only I tried harder, if my vibrations were fine enough”, “only-life” family & friends would be perfectly happy –elated even– about my soul-manufacturing efforts.”

If I got paid a dollar every time I heard an ex-cult members say “I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. I believed I was failing”, I could probably earn back the $20,000 “school” bilked me out of when I was in my cult coma.

Cinching the deal, Hassan writes that “In order to be a good member, a person must learn to manipulate their own thought process … Thought stopping is the most direct way to short-circuit a person’s ability to test reality. Indeed if people are able to think only positive thoughts about their involvement with the group, they are most certainly stuck. Since the doctrine is perfect and the leader is perfect, any problem that crops up is assumed to be the fault of the individual member. They learn to blame themselves and simply work harder.”

All of this leads to my fav! “School’s” thought stopping and emotional constipation practice: “The Non-Expression of Negative Emotions”! Hurray, now I’m really evolving —  at the right time “school” requires its doobies to “non-express” both externally & internally. We few were, we proud (cough) were to refrain from voicing “complaints”, “criticisms”, “anger”, etc and we were to monitor our facial expressions and keep them from taking on a dark shadow, and our body language to ensure we weren’t communicating hostility, or taking on protective postures. “School” said that “non-expression” was “not suppression”. But none of the “highly-evolved” could, in fact, tell us what it was (if not suppression), or how to “not express” without suppressing.  I’m lucky that my inner rebels never let my starry-eyed believers completely buy into this exercise of self-induced insanity.

“School” needs cogs to distrust themselves; for certain illustrious abusive tactics start to surface when “school” has boiled you in doctrine oil for the correct amount of time. When top dogs deem “younger students” as ready, they graduate into the “older class”. At that point, a good cult cog justifies the group’s increasing dismissal of outside family, friends, interests, passions, job, insignificant “only-life things”. For all things “un-schooled” do not contribute to your inner development! Only with “school’s” “help” will you cultivate a soul – cult-ivate being the operative word. 

Once you’re in that psychological state, the group has taken your psyche hostage. Hassan writes that cults members “… become quite mechanical, because the person becomes programmed … when thought is controlled, feelings and behaviors are usually controlled, as well.”

In “school” you are thus prepared for: “third line of work”  … one must contribute to the group’s elusive higher purpose, if one really wants a soul! We are climbing a ladder to heaven together; each soldier must continue the journey, rung by rung … when one stops climbing all are affected/effected. Those who fall off the ladder endanger the group! hurt essence friends and leadership, let down God!

“School” positions third line of work such that the cogs feel eventually we will be contributing to world peace, ending hunger and poverty, stopping climate change. In reality, its only task, or AIM as “school” likes to call it, is recruitment, recruitment, recruitment! Go out and Make New Friends! Making New Friends conveniently devours time and energy from piddly “only life things”. Thus “school” cogs divorce un-schooled spouses, lose jobs, stop pursuing passions and interests, neglect children …

… They no longer have time for such trivial pursuits now.

Next week, Emotional control.

After leaving “school”, I started reading everything I could on cults, mind control & undue influence. The more I read, the more descriptions of “school” I saw – it was quite the wake-up call. The more the experts cast “school” under the cult light, the more my wracking cognitive dissonance disappeared: cults deceive and justify deception for the “higher cause”; cults deliberately confuse, obfuscate, demand secrecy, exactly like “school”.

My latest anti-cult read is the updated version of Combating Cult Mind Control. Author Steve Hassan’s BITE Model outlines four components of control: behavior, information, thought & emotion. In the next four posts, I will plug my tenure into his model and see if it fits. Today’s installment … BEHAVIOR!

Hassan writes … “Behavior control is the regulation of an individual’s physical reality …  control of where they live, what clothes they wear, what they eat, how much sleep they get, what jobs, rituals and other actions they perform …”

On first blush, “school” does not fit this model. I lived at home, with my husband and stepson. My “classmates” also lived with their families. They had normal jobs, friends, interests. “School” was not overtly telling me what to wear, or eat, when to sleep, when to wake. It looked benign, at first, benevolent even.

That is what is tricky & confusing about “school” — this cult has perfected the art of slow-growth indoctrination. It planted seeds in recruitment, when I was sharing my trials with my “new friend”, Lisa. When invited me to “try a … free five-week experiment!” the roots sprouted. They started crawling out with this requirement: “It’s very important that you don’t tell anyone about this … it’s private, just for you!”  The roots started extending and coiling with my bi-weekly attendance — every Tuesday and Thursday — in the “casual discussion group”. “Casual” morphed into rigid when specific rules of engagement, or non-engagement, dictating & shaping interactions and behaviors came into play. “School RULES” included …

• Observe ten minutes of meditative silence before “class” – no casual conversation with classmates.
• “No unnecessary talking” – “unnecessary” meaning anything beyond discussion of the “secret” (cough, but not really) “ideas”, or asking for “help” from “teachers” with “only life things.” Over time normal conversations were deemed “gossip.” (horrors)
  
• “No fraternization outside the hallowed halls” – do not engage with “essence friends” out “in life”. Pretend to be strangers to “protect the invisible world.”
  
• No Internet Research! You have all had your own experiences of “school”. Don’t poison them!
• Do not discuss “school” with only-life friends & family – again, protect the invisible world!

Note how all policies pointed to don’t speak, don’t think, keep secrets, don’t question, don’t freely converse. Note how all of them restrict interactions between “students”. “School” deemed these requirements “experiments” – indeed “school” “taught” that our lives were “experiments”. BUT all things “school” were beyond the beyond! You could not compare it to, or experience anything like it, anywhere else! Therefore our “essence friendships” needed to be “finer” than our not-so-evolved only-life relationships. They fell under a different and more refined set of rules.

When “students” questioned the secrecy and rigidity, “school” responded by saying, we are “experimenting” and to “…extend a nickels worth of trust, while maintaining a healthy skepticism”. That positioning made the required silence easier to swallow because it gave the illusion of choice and free will; we were “experimenting” in the spirit of “refining our vibrations”.  Oh, and by the way, our silence “protected the sanctity of THE WORK against those who would destroy it” — thus inducing the necessary “us vs. them” ideology typical of cults.

The longer my tenure, the more rules popped up. The weeds, lengthened, thickened & tangled. I accepted them and behaved accordingly. The more I followed “school rules”, the more they informed my psychology, vines  twisted around, snaking through my belief system like wisteria. By the time I “graduated” from the “free 5-week experiment”, a.k.a. “the youngest class”, into the “older class” –and tuition kicked in at $350/month — I’d accepted the following dictates as “necessary for my evolution”:

1. Arrive ten minutes early. Sit in meditative silence until a “teacher” announces “It’s time for tai chi” or “it’s time for body work”
2. Practice “tai chi”, or the flalling free-for-all known as “body work”, for 30 minutes.
3. Silently march to our seats to silently wait for “teachers” to arrive (“teachers” often delayed grand entrances  — thus increasing our anticipation as we observed “meditative silence” & “non-fraternized”).
4. “Discuss” “secret ideas” in “teacher”-orchestrated “conversations” —  i.e. “students” standing up & silently waiting to be called on, sorta like grade school.
5. “Observe 1 hour of silence” after “class” — to “seal yourself off“; “don’t leak!“

Any sharing of last names, occupations, phone numbers, email addresses, normal family stuff constituted “leaking!” — except when shared in the context of “class discussion” with proper “teacher” monitoring. In my cult coma, I didn’t notice how much “school” control had started leaking out of the hallowed halls and into my “only life things”: 

The sustainer — invisible meetings and phone calls between “classes” with this assigned “mentor”, allegedly put in place to support the “younger student”. Really “sustainers” are minders, responsible for “retainment”. “Sustainers” must do “whatever it takes” to insure that their mentees don’t notice that they are in a cult and decide to leave. More on this in the information control post.

 Assignments — “Teachers” dole out specific assignments, like any other school. The longer your tenure, the more evolutionary readings & tasks  to complete. At a certain point, I realized that there was never enough time to complete all the required assignments. 

The 5-week aim — “School’s” holy grail! Every 5 weeks, we “stated” “aims”, or goals, and we held each other to them. Over time, the phrase, “your AIM is your God” started echoing down the halls. “Students” who “didn’t make their AIMs” disappointed the group. And God. They endangered humanity! The longer my tenure, the more the “aims” served the higher cause (cough), “school” being the far more critical “soul-manufacturing” process than insignificant marriages, children, jobs, oh, and you can forget about piddly personal passions, dreams, ideas, etc. All must be shoved aside for “school”. 

Self sensing — every morning, as “school” cogs drift from sleep to wake, we were required to scan ourselves from head to toe, then sense the bed, the room, home,  lawn, neighborhood, town, state, country, continent, etc. etc. etc … all the way up to sensing the planet, as we rose above the earth, in spirit, and looked down from “the starry world”.

Morning prayer  — in coordination with self sensing, good doobies repeated this prayer: “Good morning, God – How can I serve you today?” Then we waited for the answer.

The creepiness of this “school” infiltration into my bed didn’t put a dent in my cult coma; I accepted these exercises as necessary for “refining my vibrations”. But, the truth is that I “failed” at “self sensing” & “the morning prayer” almost every morning & eventually I gave up. Both exercises felt contrived and I’ve never done contrived very well. Every morning, while attempting to “self-sense”, I fell back to sleep. God never answered my “morning prayer” — well, that is until the morning I asked God whether I should graduate myself. After leaving, I learned that many “essence friends” lied about their self-sensing/morning prayer efforts. One could curry favor easily by reporting “amazing” self sensing and morning prayer results.

Once you’re in the psychological state of currying favor, the group has taken your psyche hostage, and you are nicely positioned for the next step in behavior control.

Hassan writes that cults always have authoritarian chains of command.

“School” positioned its “teachers” as those who have been “doing the work longer”; they “know better”! Their “help” is “above” the “level of life”. They have refined their vibrations and are floating above the coarse, sleepwalking sea of humanity. I have come to see that humans are wired socially to strive for approval and acceptance. You can see this in children who — for the most part — live to please their parents. That child like need for acceptance works on us as adults, in all kinds of social situations. More on this in the emotional control post. Over time, my wish to please my teachers started to drive and shape my behaviors.

Meanwhile, “school’s” Boston-branch hierarchy lined up: in the bottom tier, “school” coddles its “youngest students” giving them a honeymoon period of roughly two years. On the next level, “younger students” answer to “older students”, who are slightly more “evolved” but answer to “sustainers” & “teachers”; next step up, both “sustainers” & “older students” answer to “teachers”; ultimately, in Boston, “teachers” and everyone else, first and foremost, answer to Robert. The phrase “You need to ask Robert” echoes down the hallowed halls. After leaving I learned that Boston is merely the inferior satellite branch; the real power lies with Sharon at corporate headquarters in NYC. More on this in the information control post.

The longer my tenure, the more “school” coddling was replaced by humiliation and admonishment; “teachers” increasingly employed this brand of “help” through the enlightened secret “ideas” — “you are in a lazy set of I’s“, or “you are in self will”, or “you are in internal considering”, “you need to do what *it* doesn’t want to do” blah, blah, blah. (Note the special loading of language). They were doing us favors, exposing our “chief weaknesses”, holding us to “higher standards” than those who are “sleepwalking” through “only life” without the “help” (cough). Those who weren’t “working on themselves”. Humans — I have learned — will avoid humiliation like this at all costs. It is a very powerful social engineering tool. Humiliation is an effective way to demand obedience. More on this in the emotional control post.

Hassan writes, “Obedience … is the most important lesson to learn” . Once the cult has established dependence obedience follows naturally.

The longer my tenure, the more the requirements stacked up. The vines tightened and wired around my “only-life-things” and shaping my behaviors — “private” phone calls between myself and my “sustainer”, or “teachers”, or other “essence friends” increased with each illustrious task, as well as “invisible” meetings, “help” and demands. My innocuous lies increased exponentially in concert with each new demand, wedging between myself and family and friendships, etc. Secrets devoured and chocked out more and more of my life.

Once sufficiently indoctrinated and deemed “ready” by the powers-that-be, soul manufacturing requirements increasingly included “making new friends” and inviting them to try the “free 5-week experiment”. “School’s” “invisible” agenda started dogging my life. I filtered every interaction through these questions: does the person standing behind me at the CVS, or in the bank, or in my yoga class (etc.) have a “magnetic center”? Is he, or she, a fellow “essence  friend” seeking “THE WORK”? Would he or she benefit from “school”? Should I be constantly engaging with lost souls to see if they want to try a “free 5-week experiment”? Should I be inviting all of my “only-life” friends to “refine their vibrations” and manufacture souls?

My behavior followed those dictates, my belief system followed the behavior. Cognitive dissonance rattled my psyche, tearing it apart. A battle started raging inside between, starry-eyed believers and inner rebels who simply didn’t want to recruit newbies, hated the whole process, especially the hidden agenda. More on this in emotional control.

Hassan writes that cults discourage individualism. This is where his initial assessment starts becoming more apparent: the regulation of an individual’s physical reality …  control of where they live, what clothes they wear, what they eat, how much sleep they get, what jobs, rituals and other actions they perform …

“School” was patient. It waited until indoctrination had set in before overtly demanding certain things. I was roughly 2 to 3 years into my tenure when teachers started saying that “school” doobies should distinguish themselves as superior creatures, in a variety of behaviors. For example, “school” started instructing us that society had become “too casual and coarse”. As “evolving men and women” we needed to refine our vibrations and dress well. They didn’t provide specifics — only that we should “put some effort into our wardrobes.”

Also, “school’s” started proclaiming that its illustrious schedule should supersede all else. God forbid a “school” doobie should interrupt his/her evolution with a family vacation, or miss a “class” to attend his/her child’s high school graduation. etc. During the holiday season, “school’s” Christmas Party was to trump all things “only life”, including sleep and other only-life things that one might need for good health and optimal functioning.

Predictably “un-schooled” family & friends became concerned, upset & justifiably angry. What is this weird group that you are in and why does it trump our life and relationship? Are you in some kind of a cult? Thus we all turned to “teachers” for “help”. “Teacher’s” doled out prepackaged, predictable and pat behavioral prescriptions, such as …

• Find out what your [NAME RELATIONSHIP HERE] wants and give it to him/her.
• Plan a special event, or dinner, for your unhappy [NAME RELATIONSHIP HERE].

Eventually, “school” brings out this lovely bit of “help”…

• Your [NAME RELATIONSHIP HERE] is jealous that you are doing what you love! Tell him/her that it is none of his/her business!

… because, of course, the un-schooled, only-life, person is unfairly persecuting “school”. (Sounds kinda like a certain Republican presidential candidate, does it not?)

Thus we scrambled around trying to patch up the “school”-inflicted damage by practicing “school”-prescribed remedies; they were, at best, superficial and, at worst, intentionally damaging. The longer my tenure, the more “help” I requested and the more damaging the “help” became. The more I allowed “school” to dictate my behaviors, the faster the cult wheel spun, spewing out its seeds, weeds proliferating exponentially, choking the life out of my lowly “only life”.

Hassan writes, “Each particular group has its own distinctive set of ritual behaviors that help bind it together. These typically include mannerisms of speech, specific posture and facial expressions … Doing these little things helped make us feel we were special and superior. Psychologists call this ‘social proof’.”

Once I left the ranks, I started to recognize the correlation between uttering “school” vocabulary – a.k.a. loaded language — and taking on accompanying inflections, attitudes, tones, postures & facial expressions. I wasn’t familiar with the term social proof, but the extent to which “school rules” had been shaping my behaviors became excruciatingly clear. Trust me, stay in long enough, follow all “the rules”,  your “only life friendships” will end and your “only life family” will be baffled and hurt by your “evolutionary” cold, uncaring and contradictory behavior. You will be both sufficiently indoctrinated & isolated from “the others”.

I have spoken with a number of ex-members from various cults; they all practice a version of behavioral control. Most have to grapple with the embarrassment and shame of allowing some nefarious group to dictate behavior that, when in their right minds, they would never condone. But, when you’re in a cult, you are not in your right mind. When you’re in a cult, you are increasingly under the command of some narcissistic sociopath, and you may not even know it. More on this in thought control.

Lastly,  Hassan writes, “A cult’s leaders cannot command someone’s inner thoughts, but they know that if they command behavior, hearts and minds will follow.”

In my never-ending pursuit to understand how I allowed “school” to shape my behavior, thus sculpting me into a cult cog, I am pulling “school” weeds out of my psyche. I see how behavioral dictates snaked through my emotional and psychological state — a state that justified “the rules”, a belief system that I was lucky to be a member of an exclusive group of superior humans, who pretended to be humble, but were really “operating on a higher level” than other inferior creatures. I was “evolving”. I was “protecting the invisible world” and its “secret & sacred ideas”.  We were “refining our vibrations” and rising above “only life things.” Thus, we needed to behave in a “finer” (gag) manner. All of this was contributing to the betterment of society and humanity!

So … does “school” fit the behavior component of Hassan’s BITE mold? In my opinion, absolutely. But, you have all “had your own experiences of ‘school’ and can draw your own conclusions.”

We’ll explore information control next week.