“The very word ‘secrecy’ is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths, and to secret proceedings.” – John F. Kennedy

I present to you ….

The Onion:Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holiday

Provided by another of the “disgruntled ex-students”, I know that this article is more of a spoof on Scientology than “school”; regardless, I hope it makes you laugh as hard as I did. Enjoy!

I wish you all happy & healthy school-free holidays. May you revel in your freedom from the highly dreaded and anticipated Christmas Party.

How have you freed yourself, let me count the ways:

1) No more party-related emotional havoc reeked annually on family members, jobs, &  friendships allegedly in service to “evolution”.
2) No more “work sessions” devouring your weekends and hours after work, often keeping you out and awake into the wee hours of the morning.
3) No more trying to explain your yearly absence to those waiting for you at home, while also “protecting school” by not revealing where you were and what you were doing.
4) No more scavenging for cardboard and squeezing shopping trips for party “supplies” between work and family needs.
5) No more bilking a local merchant for a free Christmas tree by telling that merchant you’re organizing a party for a homeless shelter, or a church, or a nursery school.

A small sampling of the benefits of the “school”- free holiday season.

May you pour all the time & energy “school” would have stolen into those you love — cooking special food for them; creating a festive and beautiful environment in the home; presenting them with gifts of all varieties, participating in performances they can actually attend, etc, etc, etc. etc.

After I left “school”, it took a while for me to admit that it was a cult. After all, who wants to accept that they’ve been conned– hypnotized into spending thousands, losing years and damaging relationships in the process. I justified my tenure to myself; after all, what was the difference between “school” and church, or temple?

A lot, as it turns out.

In this book the authors outline three factors that differentiate cults from other organized groups such as a Rotary Club, the PTA, Moose Lodge, the Military, etc. They write:

“…  the phrase ‘cultic relationships’ (signifies) more precisely the processes and interactions that go on in a cult. A cultic relationship is one in which a person intentionally induces others to become totally or nearly totally dependent on him or her for almost all major life decisions and inculcates in these followers a belief that he or she has some special talent, gift or knowledge.”

Sound familiar?

One day I saw my dependence for what it was; in seeing my “teachers” as “more evolved” I abdicated responsibility increasingly seeking permission and approval from them. In horror, I said to myself, “I got to the point where I practically had to ask permission to wipe my ass.” I shared this with another escapee — affectionately known as 007 for orchestrating a great jailbreak in 2012 — and his snarky reply was, “Yes — but are you ‘remembering yourself’ while you’re wiping your ass?”

In that spirit, I will share the three identifying cult traits described by authors Singer & Lalich:

1) Origin of group and role of leader:

Cult leaders are self-appointed, persuasive persons who claim to have a special mission in life and to have special knowledge … (some) claim to have rediscovered ancient ways to produce enlightenment … others claim to have developed (ways) to lead followers into new levels of awareness.

“School” falls into the “rediscovered ancient ways” side of this equation, using esoteric ideas collected, studied and extrapolated on by Armenian philosopher, G.I. Gurdjieff, but neglecting to mention him as its source. It instead makes claims such as “You’ll never find these ideas anywhere else.” “School” neglects to mention other things, too; for example, I didn’t know about its New York City headquarters. Robert heads up the Boston branch — articulate, charming and intelligent — all the other “teachers” defer to him, often saying, “You have to ask Robert”.  At some point, though, “school’s” real grande dame, Sharon, swoops in for a royal appearance, her entourage bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

My first Sharon encounter was one of many screaming sirens that I would dismiss; on occasion Robert would wistfully slip in to some class “discussion” the phrase, “I remember when Sharon said …”. He didn’t bother to explain who Sharon was and we didn’t ask. Then she materialized, strutting to the head of the class, surrounded by reverent subjects, King Robert escorting her, beaming at her. A hush fell over the room as she took her throne; Robert turned to us plebs and said simply, “Ask your questions.”

She kicked someone out, spouted off incomprehensible bullshit in response to our questions then disappeared into the night, her entourage spiriting her away. I was horrified and briefly woke up to the fact that I’d joined a cult. But the next day, when I told my “sustainer” that I found the evening, and the woman, upsetting she encouraged me to “talk about this in ‘class’.” I now recognize that pat line as “school’s” damage control and the staged scene as theater – a performance to make “school” appear to be something it’s not.

After I left I learned that Sharon is “school’s” self-appointed leader and Robert her pawn, the messenger. As the story goes, Alex Horn founded the cult now known as “school”. It was the 70s and in San Francisco — a breeding ground for such “communities” at that time.  Horn deemed his cult The Theater of All Possibility and Sharon, an actress, joined up and eventually married Alex. Amid allegations of various abuses, and an expose via a series of newspaper articles, San Francisco kicked the theater out. It disappeared and re-appeared on the East Coast, where at some point Sharon kicked Alex off the throne and took her seat.

2) Structure — Relationship between Leader and Followers:

Cults are authoritarian in structure. The leader is regarded as the supreme authority, although he may delegate certain power to a few subordinates for the purpose of seeing that members adhere to his wishes and rules. In a cult the leader has the only and final ruling on all matters. Cults appear to be innovative and exclusive. Cult leaders claim to be offering and instituting the only viable system for change that will solve life’s problems or the world’s ills … almost all cults make the claim that their members are “chosen”, “select”, while nonmembers are considered lesser beings.

Cults tend to have a double set of ethics. Members are urged to be open and honest within the group and to confess all to the leader. At the same time, members are encouraged to deceive and manipulate non-members. The overriding philosophy in cults is that the end justifies the means … a view that allows cults to establish their own brand of morality outside normal social bounds … the cult’s specific language is used to justify a double set of ethics making it acceptable for members to deceive non-members.

On the grand “school” hierarchy — New York super cedes Boston. All “school” plebs (even those who know Sharon only as a mysterious name inserted into “class discussions”) exist to bolster, enable and embolden her delusions of royalty as the guardian of grand esoteric ideas and higher knowledge; she safeguarded those sacred gifts and we safeguarded her at all personal costs.

Of course “school” doesn’t tell its recruits and students “Join us and eventually your life will be disregarded — funneled into a mirage that bolsters the delusions of a crazy woman.” It instead tells those “students” that “magnetic center” drew them to “the work”. Not everyone has “magnetic center”, it says; In fact, most don’t. Thus “school” doesn’t allow any old slob into its hallowed halls. Those who are drawn to “the work” feel awfully special, as we rise above the tide of “sleeping humanity”. Like Jesus, we are in the the world, but not of the world.

Our “evolution” depended heavily on our honest confession of transgressions through reporting on “self observations” and doing what is called “being work” (asking for “help” with a “personal weakness”). For — as Robert once told me one day after I’d confessed a “transgression” — “What is the point of being in ‘school’ if you’re going to lie.” Meanwhile, preserving ideas safeguarded by Queen Sharon justified a pyramid scheme of deception, i.e. “clever insincerity”. “Teachers” and “sustainers” lie to “students”; in those rare moments when the “older class” and “younger class” intermingle, the “older students” lie to the “younger students”. This “clever insincerity” “protects school” from those who are “not ready” for its sacred knowledge.

Additionally, “Sustainers” tell their assigned charges that their conversations are confidential, when in reality they report those conversations to “teachers”. “Teachers” use the reported information at opportune moments to appear psychic. “School” omits mention of the inter-school marriages with Sharon as matchmaker, Alex Horn in San Francisco with the allegations of physical and sexual abuse that followed him around, the neglected children and so on, and so on, and so on. “Students” were instructed to employ “clever insincerity”  on “sleeping humanity” when  friends and family questioned the institution — after all they “didn’t get it”. All employed “clever insincerity” on potential recruits, who would have run away screaming had they known that what was being presented as an “esoteric mystery school” was — in fact — a mind control cult.

3) Coordinated program of Persuasion

Most cults expect members to devote increasing time, energy and money or other resources to the professed goals of the group, stating or implying that a total commitment is required to reach some state such as “enlightenment”.

Cults tend to require members to undergo a major disruption or change in life-style. Many cults put great pressure on new members … to become immersed in the group’s major purpose. This isolation tactic is one of the cult’s most common mechanisms of control and enforced dependency.

As a new “student” your commitment is to attend Tuesday and Thursday night classes from which come assignments, readings, daily exercises and meetings with “sustainers” outside of “class”.  Then “school” slips the phrase “three lines of work” into its “class discussions” — in order to “evolve” you must first work on yourself, then work for others and eventually — and most importantly — work for “school”.  Then comes the “Christmas Party“. “School’s” Christmas party super cedes and usurps the time and energy that you should focus on friends and family during the holiday season, and you can imagine how well that goes over.  The dreaded “class outside of class” is another “school”-initiated party that devours the lives of “students”. Fortunately, I never had to participate in the planning of one of those. Maybe someone else can comment on their experiences. Finally, but most critical, comes recruiting newbies. “School” is careful to not set this requirement in motion until you’ve been properly indoctrinated.

Add to the equation that all of this “work” is to be done in “secret” to “protect school” and you suddenly find yourself in an invisible prison that slowly isolates you from the  “un-schooled” — i.e. the rest of “sleeping humanity”.  Over time “demands” increase, as do the number of lies you tell and the number of things you can’t share with the “un-schooled” grow in concert with those “demands”, imposing a secret and ever-expanding isolation; your invisible prison, as school hijacks you body, mind, heart and spirit and you get farther and farther away from the uninitiated friends and family.

One of the most confusing aspects of “school” is that it deems “only life” our testing ground. It doesn’t physically separate its plebs from “sleeping humanity” as some other cults do; many of us lived in our own homes, work jobs out in “life”, and marry “unschooled” spouses. Many “students” eventually lose their “only life things,” damaging marriages, jobs, children etc. Of course, had I stayed in “school”, I may have lost my marriage and found myself in a “school”-arranged marriage — as so many do. It’s very possible that the longer you stay in “school” the more insular and isolated your social circle becomes, until you only encounter the “un-schooled” at line in the Stop and Shop, where — of course — a good “school” doobie immediately tries to recruit them.

I keep telling myself, I’m going to focus on other things, but for better or worse, I have become fascinated with cults. I started reading this book on a recommendation and quickly went from reading to devouring when I found that Chapter 3, The Process of Brainwashing, Psychological Coercion and Thought Reform, illustrated my “school” experience to a T.

If some are still wondering whether “school” is really a cult, or just a misguided philosophy group, authors Margaret Thaler Singer and Janja Lalich will quickly and succinctly puts your wondering to rest. As disturbing as it is, I feel empowered by knowing the truth: “school” tactics are not the rituals of a wannabe esoteric mystery school, as claimed, but widely-used cult tools and tricks as modeled by Scientology, The Moonies and Jehovah’s Witnesses (to name a few of the more highly visible cults).

According to Singer and Lalich, successful thought reform “keeps the subjects unaware that they are being manipulated and controlled  … and unaware that they are being moved along a path of change that will lead them to serve interests that are to their disadvantage.”

Sound familiar?

They outline a “continuum of influence and persuasion” ranging from legitimate education (i.e. real schools) to thought reform. Let’s look at the thought reform bullets and see if anything else sounds familiar:

Point 1) Structure of Influence and Persuasion: takes authoritarian & hierarchical stance; no full awareness on part of the learner:

Who among us “students” didn’t feel intimidated by “teachers” — Robert in particular? Who didn’t lose his/her ability to challenge and question the “teachings” and “demands”? Who among us didn’t feel beholden to “school instructions” even if we didn’t understand the intention behind them; even if all the cells in our bodies were screaming NO? “Teachers” lorded over the classroom as more highly-evolved beings, who had been “doing the work longer”. We told ourselves, if we do “the work” we will someday understand what they understand. “Teachers” reinforced our perceptions telling us to “maintain a healthy skepticism with a nickel’s worth of trust.” “Teachers” also brushed skepticism aside and failed to reveal the interest rate on that nickel.

Point 2) Type of relationship: Group attempts to retain people forever:

This point really got to me; when my recruiter, Lisa, asked me if I’d like to meet other people who ponder life’s bigger questions, I distinctly remember her painting a casual picture: a bi-weekly discussion group that people wandered in and out of; a group of friends who gather informally to discuss ideas and tools for living. I’d grown to trust Lisa. What could it hurt to meet some like-minded folks, I asked myself? Over time I learned what it could hurt. “School” built up its demands a little at a time: rigid requirements for stellar bi-weekly attendance, Christmas-party planning participation, the ridiculous requirement that we schedule our personal vacations around “school’s vacations” (I must admit, most people never took this seriously) and eventually the required recruitment. Lisa had lied. I felt angry at her and I remember thinking bitterly, “I didn’t sign up for this.” But I also shoved that anger aside, justifying her manipulation, “I would never have joined ‘school’ had I known the extent of its demands. Then I would have missed out on all of its ‘help’ and my life would still be a frustrating circle of confusion and disappointment.”

One night Robert mentioned playing basketball with one of my fellow students ten years prior. “Holy shit,” my inner rebels said, briefly waking up. “A decade??? [INSERT NAME] has been attending ‘classes’ for ten years?” I should have stayed with the horror I was feeling, but I shoved that voice aside. On a separate occasion I did once say , “We’re not all going to be here forever.” Robert’s expression darkened, his displeasure apparent. I had stepped in a minefield in my audacity to question lifelong “school” tenures. He responded that some have left “school” with his “blessing”. I never saw evidence that “school” honors or blesses an individual’s choice to leave, but even if this were true, his response indicated that they had to ask for his permission. There’s no point at which someone could stand up and say, “I’ve decided to do some other things with my time” without questioning, pressure and push-back from the group. Once one is *in*, “school” offers no sanctioned *exit*. Eventually, anyone who leaves becomes a “disgruntled ex-student”, or an enemy. Persona non grata.

Point 3) Deceptiveness: is deceptive

See points 1 and 2; suffice to say that “school” provides endless examples of deceptions custom-made to retain “students”. Those readers who were *in* “school” can compile the lies told to bait them, reel them in and keep them hooked. I’m confident that their experiences will closely echo mine.  I will simply add this phrase — well worn in the hallowed halls: clever insincerity.

Point 4) Breadth of Learning: Individualized target; hidden agenda (you will be changed one step at a time to become deployable to serve leaders)

Almost every emancipated ex-“student” I’ve spoken with since leaving the ranks likens their “school” experience to this commonly told cautionary tale: a frog is placed in a pot of cool water.  A burner is turned on beneath the pot. The water heats slowly, imperceptively. When the water boils, it’s too late. The longer your tenure the more susceptible you become and more easily deployed to “serve school”, i.e. recruit more students who will pay tuition and eventually be deployed to recruit more students when deemed ready by the authorities. Eventually, “school’s” demands will super cede all of their “only life things”: marriages, children, jobs, family, personal finances, interests and passions, friends, emotional and physical health all secondary.

Point 5) Methods: Improper and unethical techniques:

Again, see “clever Insincerity”. I realized while still in “school” that “clever insincerity” isn’t simply a “teaching”, it is policy. “School” lies and omits information conveniently; it then instructs its plebs to do the same. I justified this practice believing that, even though “clever insincerity” felt wrong, I didn’t understand the process of “evolution”. “School” lulled me into seeing it as a benign and necessary practice to “protect” the secret “esoteric” ideas. It shored up the illusion of “school” as “invisible”, as though friend and family didn’t take note of our bi-weekly disappearing acts and changing personalities. “Clever insincerity” claimed these secret esoteric ideas came from an “oral tradition”, neglecting to mentioning the source, Russian philosopher, G. Gurdjieff and his myriad of published books, easily accessible on Amazon.com. “Clever Insincerity” inferred that, without “school”, these sacred ideas would disappear forever.

Initially after leaving, I still justified “school’s” unethical techniques, believing them necessary for “school’s” survival; still believing that each “student” made a personal choice about staying or going. But let’s name “clever insincerity” rightly: lies, deception, coercion and manipulation.

If the decision you make is based on lies, it is not a personal choice. It isn’t possible to make an informed choice about continuing your study in an esoteric school when, in truth, the “school” is a mind-control cult with a hidden agenda.

Recently, I was conversing with fellow exiles and the topic turned to “school’s” “help”. One of my co-horts described it as The Unholy Trinity and I had to share.

The Unholy Trinity

“School” claims that its “help” is informed from “above”, i.e. “teachers” who have been “doing the work longer” and are therefore existing on a higher plane. Other options for help, such as therapy for example, come from the “level of life” – or those who aren’t in “school” and are still asleep. Therefore, “school” holds the patent on real “help”.

The Unholy Trinity works on the three-step model of receiving help, expressing gratitude and owing “school”. Let’s take a look at how this works, shall we?

Step 1) Receive “Help”
Let’s say I need more money. I state a “five-week aim” to get a job. With “sustainer” guidance, I crank out resumes, applications, cold calls and in-person visits to offices where I hand out resumes to people I’ve never met, fueled by the “school principle” of as long as you are working any job will do. Some times I run out of steam and ask for “help” in “class” and “teachers” suggest alternative approaches. By the end of the five weeks I have a job. After two years I hate the job, so I’m fucking it up and in addition, it never payed enough to cover my expenses to begin with, so I’m always stressed financially. I rinse and repeat the same employment-seeking formula and eventually, with “help”, I get a job that pays me more than I’ve ever earned. Suddenly I am financially independent. I still wind up hating this job — but more importantly — I’m making a lot more money.

Step 2) Express Gratitude:
I acknowledge in “class” that I couldn’t have found these jobs without “the work” and steady guidance from my “sustainer” and “teachers.” This job with its middle-class salary becomes the measure of my worth as an adult. I’ve become a “woman who can pay for her own arising”. I realize that I am more capable than I believe I am. I thank “school” for introducing me to “the work” and for the “help”. I look forward to having more money and being able to put my attention on other passions, most notably, music.

Step 3) Owe With Interest:

Over time, I realize that — like a credit card — “school’s” “help” comes with an undisclosed ever-expanding interest rate and hidden fees. At first “help” is part of the free introductory five-week experiment. Then “school” wraps it into the monthly “tuition”. At a certain point “school” directs its “students” into the “third line of work”, or new student recruitment. Those who wish to evolve, can’t do so without “giving back to school”, because evolution requires “3 lines of work”, work on yourself, helping others and working for “school”. Most “students” hate recruitment. But “school” will remind them that any good thing in their lives is due to the highly evolved “help” only available from “school”.

The longer you are in “school”, the more the exponentially-expanding “school” demands devour your time. My “only life things” and passions and pursuits were increasingly relegated into corners and spaces not being devoured by “school”. These corners and spaces shrunk in concert with my growing tenure.

Something else began to happen; an emptiness began to fill my heart as my psyche became more fragmented over time. This phenomenon is difficult to describe; I can only say the more demands “school” put on me — top secret orders that I could not reveal to friends or family — the more carved up and pulled apart my psychology felt. My desire to play music and write songs haunted me, but my ability to focus was more and more compromised, as was my ability to connect to my voice and express it in the written word. For the first time since I could pen words on paper, I found myself almost unable to write.

At the same time, and what made this process confusing,  “school” offered “help” that helped. When my father became very ill and passed away, a “teacher” called me daily, offering support and prayers and helping me navigate my grief, as well as the family dysfunction that percolated up as we  faced his death. I imagine that every student has a similar story of extraordinary and real help given by a “teacher”, or “sustainer”.

Other help, though, didn’t feel the same.  We stood in class and revealed our innermost wishes, our deepest scars and our most powerful fears.  Like an abusive relationship, “school” initially offered understanding and validation, but slowly, insidiously its “help” mutated into something humiliating, painful, and confusing with a focus on “your chief weakness”.  The seeds of doubt about who you think you are took root and started growing.

We justified that the “teachers” must know something we don’t: after all s/he has been doing “the work” longer/is more evolved/is a “teacher”, etc. Teachers regularly emphasized that this special and “real” teaching ” says  I don’t know myself; I am a “multiplicity” — I don’t have control over my thoughts, my feelings, or my actions. I am a woman who “cannot do”. I need “help” to become the evolved woman I wish to be.

The more faith we lost in ourselves, the more we needed guidance from “above”. The more guidance we needed, the more we owed. This bottomless debt structure is how “school” coerces some “students” into a life-long tenure, til death do they part.

Looking back on my cult experience, I’m amazed by the diabolical brilliance of “school’s” indoctrination. While *in* the cult, I was acutely aware of the brilliance, but most of the time I was unable to see the sinister coercion and when I did, I didn’t trust my perceptions; everything appeared to be so divinely orchestrated that when I received “help” that felt deliberately humiliating (for example being called out as a “princess” for deciding to quit a coffee shop job that I sucked at and only paid $9/hour) or witnessed another “student” receiving a verbal whipping, I dismissed the myriad of emotions and screaming inner voices that said, step away from the cult, ma’am. “I must not understand something that my more highly-evolved ‘teachers’ do,” I remember thinking. I now know that these “teachers” are simply holding true to The Unholy Trinity, playing out their roles in the three-step process of receive help, express gratitude and owe “school” with interest. You owe, you owe, so off to “school” you go.

Lately, I’ve been going through another phase of letting go of “school”, focusing on other passions, like making music. I haven’t felt the need to write posts. Traffic on the blog has trickled off, which is — in some ways– disappointing, and nice in other ways; it means that others are moving on, too.

Despite this reprieve, a favorite “school” phrase is haunting me: “those are only life things.” As un-schooled spouses, adult children and friends contact me, the insidious damage “school” wrought by dismissing them as “only life things” comes into focus. Thankfully this haunting comes hand-in-hand with its antidote: a “student’s” salvation lies in the people and the things that s/he loves. Once they take precedence and “school” has to accommodate “only life”, instead of the other way around, it’s no longer possible to remain a “student”, til death do you part. Wherein love lies is the healing.

When I bumbled into “school”, my first two years appeared to be about my evolution, which included following my impulses and manifesting my dreams. “School” told me anything was possible and that in me awaited a butterfly: if I followed “school” instruction the butterfly might unfold from its chrysalis and fly. I was excited and wanted to believe they knew something that I didn’t. I wanted to fly.

I noticed, though, that once I’d established myself as a loyal attendee, my “evolution” relied more and more heavily on “school” things and “life things” were more and more often dismissed as “only life”. Students would ask for “help” with a spouse, a child, a job, etc. Teachers would more and more frequently respond with “those are  only life things” insignificant on the scale of universal importance and higher meaning: alleged “school” ideas, “school” parties and chasing and pinning down potential new students — i.e. increased income — insidiously began to supersede my marriage, my finances, my work, my home, my family, my passions, my dreams, my emotional and physical health. Needless to say, all of my “only life things” began to suffer. But, of course, that was because I “wasn’t trying hard enough”, not because “school” was (is) a destructive mind-control cult.

I found myself following protocol in lockstep with my classmates. In correspondence, an emptiness began to fill me; for the phrase “That’s Only Life” began to wear down my already tenuous sense of self-worth. All that I held sacred and true, insignificant in the grand scheme. I kept waiting for the day that I “got it” and my internal butterfly would break free from “only life” confines, flying off to sip nectar from flowers and converse with the Gods. Maybe one day I would “try hard enough” and be rewarded! But the longer I was *in* the farther away and more elusive that magical day appeared. I felt unable to juggle “school demands and my “only life things”.

When exposed to this “only life things” attitude for long enough, “school” attendees begin to freeze up; when “only life things” inevitably challenge their “school” demands, “students” ask for “help” from “teachers” and, therefore, begin to address the inevitable “school”-sponsored conflicts with the same dismissive, odd and cold attitude that their “teachers” display — for the longer you attend “school”, the less meaning your little insignificant “life things” have. ”

In one of my early Christmas Party planning experiences a classmate told us that her father was in the hospital. Despite this, she was trying to attend every party-planning, meal-organizing, decoration-making, performance-rehearsing, meeting that she could. I was surprised that no one expressed concern about her father; “school” offered no empathy. No one said the simple phrase, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad!” or “I hope he’s o.k.” I even heard her tell a teacher not to give up on her when he criticized her intermittent attendance. At the time, it struck me as odd and confusing. How could this evolved institution be so cold to her father’s illness? It should have been a screaming siren, but I was indoctrinated enough to believe there must have been something about the situation I didn’t understand. Now that I see my questions were right on target and since I kept silent the memory is especially heart breaking.

I’m happy to report that this student eventually disappeared from the ranks, as so many do. A couple of things saved me from trading in my “only life things”, until those life things were no more, for efforts to chase an unattainable, undefinable state. These things were both seeded in love both for a person and a passion:

1) I was lucky to have inner revolutionaries who refused to fall into line completely. They didn’t want to run around recruiting new soldiers for the evolutionary battle, allegedly saving ideas for future “school” generations. They missed the time I used to spend on music; they wanted to stay home and play the fiddle, or the guitar, or work on new songs. They didn’t want to waste precious early morning hours on the phone with some older recruitment coach. Besides that, those “school” demands felt antithetical to them, sleazy, unethical, manipulative, coercive. Those rebels openly resented the demands; felt “growing school” was not my problem and shouldn’t take my time and energy.   For a time, I wrote them off as lazy parts of my psyche (or lazy “Is”, as “school” likes to call them). I tried to ignore them. But the more empty, lost, inadequate, desperate and hopeless I felt, the more they poked at me.

2) Somehow my husband was seeing, hearing and feeling that which I tried not to show or tell him. His genuine love and concern for my well-being led him to take steps just when I felt myself hitting an existential wall; in fact, I remember thinking, I don’t know how much longer I can do this. As if on cue, one night he researched the mysterious Tues/Thurs group online and confronted me with his findings. He told me later that he doesn’t know why he researched and confronted me when he did; something in him said, do it now. I think love led him to it; love senses and knows things which our other sense might not.

I now keep contact with several other rank dissenters; we are “breaking school rules” by breaking the imposed isolation (crucial in the healing process) and, from what I can see, many of us left “school” for something, or someone, we love. In one case, “school” was pressuring a woman to leave her un-“schooled” husband when what she wanted was to have a second child. Instead she left “school” and now they have two children and an intact marriage. Another attendee left when he saw through the smoke and mirrors into the damage that “clever insincerity” and “school”-imposed secrecy wrought on his wife and two children.

Another father took a break from “school” intending to return — in part because he believed he needed “school’s” “help” to be the loving husband and father he wanted to be. Suddenly he had unobstructed family time for his son and pregnant wife and he loved it. After his daughter was born, a “teacher” called him to check in. He told this “teacher” about the new baby, how he loved being a father and that basically, “life things” were great. The “teacher” grew exasperated and impatient never congratulating the father or expressing any happiness for him. At that moment it was clear that “school” had no interest in his family, his happiness or his ability to take care of his wife and children.  Another ex-classmate simply grew tired of the ever-exponentially-growing “school” requirements that ate into the time and energy he wanted to put towards other passions. In fact, one “school” night, he decided he’d rather go to a concert so he did (GASP! an unthinkable trespass for us “school” doobies!) While out, he consulted his smartphone and Googled “secret school, Billerica”, which pulled up all the evidence he needed to say goodbye.

In my case, “school” instructed me via our fearless leader, Robert, to “tell your husband to mind his own business”. I couldn’t cross that line. Suddenly I woke up to the complete and blatant disregard “school” had for the man that I love. I knew that in telling him to “mind his own business”, I would have been trading my marriage in for “school”. I found that my little marriage would always take precedence over “school’s” illustrious and mysterious aim (more students, more money) and if that made me some kind of failure, or sinner, so be it. I’d rather “fail” in love, the “succeed” in feeding greed.

Recently, I began reading Steve Hassan’s book, Freedom of Mind, which outlines his process to help people leave destructive, mind-control cults. He has developed techniques centered on love, respect and open communication. In fact, community, friends, family, other ex-cult members, sometimes even other members presently in the cult, play a critical role in what he calls the Strategic Interactive Approach (SIA). He assembles a team of people who love the cult-attendee  and they work together to empower the individual and reconnect him/her to those people and things that s/he loves. They are often able to help that person return to his/her true self and his/her “only life things”, leaving behind the cult.

If you are reading this because you are *in* school and struggling, or if you love someone who is caught in the web, know that at some point the “only life things”, the people and things loved by the “student”, will come into direct conflict with “school”. “School” will demand that the student choose between them in some way.

If you are *in* remember these “only life things” are Your Life.

Your “only life”.

Your Only Life will either be shaped and motored by love for the people therein, or passions to pursue, or “school” dictated, shaped, and motored by the fear that you didn’t make your observation aims, or didn’t really go out to recruit new students when you said you would, or didn’t read the assigned homework, or didn’t say the morning prayer, or fell asleep while “self-sensing”, blah, blah, blah; there are so many  ways you could “fail” “school”.

And when you are pointed towards your true north, the right choice will be clear.