Category Archives: Uncategorized

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The “Secret” East Somerville “School”

My new millennium “school” days didn’t require me to sing on a bus; or transport a dead fly to a restaurant, slip it into my soup, then pitch a fit about the “deadflyinmysoup, howdiditgetthere???”; or pretend to fall down, call an ambulance, then run away, once transported to the E.R. (yes, I’ve heard these “experiments” reiterated from several different “disgruntled ex-students”, in many separate conversations). But they did flirt with such ridiculousness — case in point: go solicit a free tree from a local merchant for “school’s” Christmas party ($350/month times how many students?) so “school” doesn’t have to spend $30.

Of course, you have all had your own experiences, thus can draw your own conclusions as to whether these anecdotes, circa 1980s, resonate with your experiences:

The Paddock:
The silliest “school” screw-ups related to the secrecy issue itself. At the time we had moved into the Somerville location, next to The Paddock Restaurant; it was a huge space that the older students had put an enormous amount of energy (and sleep deprived daysdyasdays) fixing up. It had huge windows looking out onto some apartments across the parking lot.

In the beginning, the younger class would descend on The Paddock, our newly-instructed-to-be-covered Gurdjieff books in hand. But, as we stood out like sore thumbs in this neighborhood bar, it became off limits.

On many occasions we remembered, but on many did not, to close the curtains for body work — so here we were, this “secret” “school”, whirling and spinning away-till-ya’-puked in front of the neighbors, eye-level hanging out smoking butts thinking… what exactly? Then, of course, add a few, to many New England Retail Express Mercedes trucks parked in a residential neighborhood, and I don’t think there were many East Somerville locals who didn’t think something was up with this group.

GeoffisGoingtoKillMe:
Near the end of my stay, Sharon and Alex had come up for a “class” to kick out Lou and Geoff, in a spectacular kind of pre-orchestrated bullshit session. Geoff’s wife stayed in “school” and shortly after Sharon and Alex kicked Geoff out, at the end of one “class”, she came to me in a panic that she had locked her keys in her car.

“Geoff is going to kill me”, she said. Continuously. “GeoffisgoingtoKILLME.”

I was a car guy. I ran a parking lot. I had a tool to open car doors; but it wasn’t easy. We went over the options: leave the car overnight, get a ride from so and so, get the car towed, (call triple A?). But all ended in “Geoffisgoingtokill me”. So outside we went, and I — with my buglar-ious tool — working on a Volvo wagon, when what doth mine eyes see, but a Somerville Police cruiser pulling up along side.

I am a good bull shitter: just having a slice at the Paddock, happen to have this tool legally, about to call my friend Anthony C at _____towing company — a Somerville-semi-wannabe-mafia-run tow shop; dropped some names, and all is going well, until… here comes M, walking up to me after “class” looking to pay me money back from so and so. This person comes over and the cop says, “Do you belong to that weird group who meet upstairs?” Oh no, not me; just getting a slice, etc. and off they go.

But damage done; at the next “class” my head was on the plate and what Dave Archer called part family, part lynch mob, had me in their sights for “flagging down a cop”, for endangering “school”, for breaking secrecy (wait, what secrecy? what about the neighbors watching us flail about, the trucks, the pizza place, the whatever. What about protecting Geoff’s wife?) But I was done.

Suspenders and Yoga Mudra:
I did have that fear of leaving that has so often been described — that life outside “school” meant you’d be living and dying like a dog — that the spiral where you were either going up or down would be heading down for me. I was surprised and shocked to have continuing visits from older students at my workplace encouraging me to come back and “leave properly”. But I knew what those sessions were like.

The older group had recently come back from a retreat and all the men had strangely abandoned belts and all were wearing suspenders. And I noticed that a few of the older students were continuing to do this thing with their hands… like a Hindu statue… the mudra….holding their thumb and forefinger together when talking…..but yeah, you’re my age and you move furniture all day. So, yeah, cult. Hello.

No regrets; no pain no gain. I am fine and have done well and perhaps I am more of a cat person than the dog they envision that dares leaves “school”.

Circa 1980s Conclusions; New Millennium Response

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Circa 1980s Conclusions/New Millennium Responses:

I love to compare and contrast conclusions with fellow former students. Most of the time, the stories and conclusions corroborate and ultimately, most agree that there’s no “evolution” spinning upward from the hallowed halls.  Occasionally, someone will challenge the perception of “school” as nefarious con job and most of the students with whom I’ve spoken consider all the shades of grey between “evolved and enlightened school” and high-demand deceptive cult. The following excerpts compare and contrast the 20th “school” conclusions with those of the new millennium:

20th Century: Most surprising to me is how “school” continues in one form or another for so long? I can’t, honestly, imagine any individual new to the school obeying a directive NOT to use the web to research and discover some of the truths revealed here and elsewhere, and still get sucked in. But I certainly had a dozen or more red flags from day one and continued on … so… not to judge.

New Millennium: I certainly followed the “do not search for ‘school’” on the Internet rule like a good little cog, even after I’d left for a time. It didn’t take very long for me to start filling in the missing pieces and seeing a more complete picture of “school” then the one presented by my “teachers”, and still I obeyed until I thought I would lose my mind from the weird isolated state in which I was living — re-experiencing scenarios from this secret world that had devoured so much of my life and realizing the demands, the “lines of work”, the claim of “being the source” … all lies. I think this speaks to the human need some of us have to be part of something meaningful. The more time, energy, and money invested, the more stronger the need to believe. Emotions trump critical thinking.

20th Century: … I realized pretty quickly after leaving, how programmed I had become, and how we all were victimized by a school structure which seemed to demand that to rise up (or be enlightened, awake, whatever), you had to step on someone else and push them down. So I think it quite positive and healing that — from what I’ve read so far — there is a realization that even those in the group who may have been higher ups, and complicit in running this school and sustaining it for so long, were also its victims and perhaps even more so.

New Millennium: most ex-students I’ve spoken with grapple with this question – do these “teachers” really believe they are evolving and “helping” their “students and the world? Most of them conclude that “teachers” and “older students” sincerely believe in the institution. Why else would all of these intelligent people allow the group to hijack their lives? When I say intelligent people, I mean ivy-league graduates and professors – “school’s” clientele is certainly part of its appeal.

I’ve concluded that intellect is a very different animal than emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is easily derailed when one lacks confidence, is feeling vulnerable, is seeking purpose, or guidance, or all of the above – that was certainly the case for me when I encountered “school”.

Most of the former students I’ve spoken with are simply grateful to be free from “school”, free to reclaim every aspect of their beings and most extend compassion for those still in “school”, often especially the “teachers” and inner circle, whose lives are so intricately linked to “school” (marriages, jobs, businesses, finances) that leaving becomes less and less viable.

20th Century: I don’t have any regrets regarding coming to “school”, as it absolutely was an experience that brought me some quick growth. Then it started to rot and got quite weird as more and more the reality of what was going on at the top and core became revealed. … I have long since given up trying to explain to family or friends that yes, I was in a cult. So just as school had instructed not to “leak”, that trying to explain school ideas to others was counterproductive and … well just not too possible, I’ve kept these experiences to myself all these years.

New Millennium: I also don’t regret my “school” days, although, I wished I’d uncovered the rot in two years, rather than five. Of course, I believe two years is “school’s” new millennium prescribed honeymoon period. Ironically, finding and leaving “school” is exactly what I needed to uncover my raison d’être.

As far as telling others, I find I am very blessed. My family, my friends, even my co-workers and boss have been very supportive. But I do find that — in general — most people scatter at the subject of cults. That’s why I feel so compelled to share, to educate, and to help others heal and speak out. As a society, this blight needs to be shared. As a civilization, we need to understand the emotional needs and social constructs that enable destructive groups to exist. It’s really the only way to combat the phenomenon.

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New Blog: Diary of a Muslim Transgender Girl …

The more I write, research and share my cult experiment, the more parallels I see to other societal blights and diseases: abusive relationships and domestic violence employ the same seduction to destruction social engineering; drug addictions mirror dependence on high-demand groups; racism mirrors the paranoia and fear cultivated (cough, unintentional pun, sorry) in “school’s” petri dish.

Homophobia attacks identity in a way that rings familiar to me — its message to the gay, lesbian and transgender population: as you are, you are wrong; thus, you can’t be who you are.

Transgender people probably experience the most extreme in heinous attitudes and violent behavior — imagine living a life in which your innate identity does not match your outer shell; imagine that the very foundation of who you are is so threatening to cultural norms that some would be willing to resort to violence to silence you. If you have trouble imagining this plight, an Indian woman calling herself Arena — born into a male body —  writes beautifully about her experiences in this new blog: Diary of a Muslim Transgendergirl

A dear friend of mine, a classically trained vocalist, is building Butterfly Music, a non-profit that creates choirs to give voice to marginalized groups — those whom societal forces try to silence, or sweep away, including transgender folks. She is helping Arena publicize her story through this blog to expose the cruelty innate in efforts to suppress a human being’s essential identity.

The only common denominator between Arena’s life and my little 5-year cult adventure is the fundamental issue of identity — pesky esoteric questions of who am I? and why am I here? made me vulnerable to a group that offered answers. Though I often say my “school” days were more ridiculous than damaging, recently an un-“schooled” witness, and dear friend, said to me,” ‘school’ was killing you.”

Sounds dramatic, yes? Truth be told, the longer my tenure, the more dead I felt; I was evolving into an empty shell, my days metamorphosing into the “school”-dictated “life I never wanted”. The group compiled the sum total of my weaknesses into my cult identity, the woman I never wanted to be:  unemployable, entitled and helpless Jewish American Princess.

The “ideas”, the constant inner monitoring through “self observations” and the fear of displeasing upper echelons ate away at my psyche. Constant analysis of every, thought, feeling and movement parsed out, flattened and shoved aside all personal nuances for this one-dimensional, cult-defined, person-hood. And “school” called all of this naval gazing “evolution”. Like any good cult, it put the magnifying glass on my faults until those faults identified me and that’s what “school” does to most of its students — although I suspect those with a lot of money get more slack.

I call these types of practices cultic identity theft and it is a form of psychological violence. Arena’s case goes far beyond what I’ve experienced; her world sends her a constant message: your identity threatens our existence, therefore you cannot be who you are. I am grateful that my cult days are over — I am grateful for the choice to walk away, embrace my fundamental identity, and start a new, feeling stronger than I ever have — thanks for the lesson “school” — as Tom Waits says in his classic, San Diego Serenade, I never saw the morning, ’til I stayed up all night. But that’s another topic for another post.

In the meantime, I hope this young woman gets the same chance, somehow, someday, to be fully embraced and loved for who she is; she longs to move to the states — I hope someday she can. I think the parallel attack on her identity is worth sharing on cult confessions, if for no other reason than to shed light on how damaging these attacks on identity are and in hopes that someday the world at large will find the practices completely unacceptable, perhaps even criminal.

 

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Diane Benscoter: How cults rewire the brain

Back in the 70s, the Moonies recruited 17-year old Diane Benscoter; her family managed to get her out through using the system in place at the time — deprogramming.

She went on to become a deprogrammer; but then she was arrested for kidnapping. Twenty years after this series of events, she asked herself these questions: how did this happen to me? What happened to my brain? Her book, Shoes of a Servant, explores her experience.

I have asked myself the same question, as have many of my “school” colleagues. In this TEDTalk, Benscoter explains how memes become viral, moving from brain to brain, infecting the thinking of those who are susceptible for whatever reason. She says, “… easy ideas to complex questions become very appealing when you are emotionally vulnerable.” Circular logic takes over thought process and becomes impenetrable, creating an us vs. them, good vs. evil, ethos.

When I look back on my “school days”, I recall a slew of memes: we don’t know ourselves, we are not unified, we are multiplicities; ask for help; self-remembering; self sensing; seal yourself off; school rules; what is your valuation for “school”?; a man or woman cannot do; internal considering vs. external considering; identification; 5-Week Aim; What is your AIM?”; “your AIM is your God”; “When you are working on yourself, any man or woman will do”; “As long as you are working, it doesn’t matter what you do”; etc. etc. etc.

Cult experts call the above examples loaded language — a group assigns new meanings to words, encouraging black-and-white thinking. Educating myself about cult techniques reminds me how malleable humans can be in any given moment. I see that my fellow “school” mates were simply well-intended souls, seeking meaning, who simply got caught in the “school” lexicon/matrix — including the so-called “teachers” (although I would guess that some are more culpable than others).

For, as it turns out, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. While individual participants may have had the best intentions, we were unwittingly participating in the fantasy world of one woman, as highly evolved leader of a “secret esoteric school”.

Speaking of memes, “school” loves to quote Shakespeare: all the world’s a stage. All the men and women in “school” play their parts to the AIM of propping up one woman’s delusions of grandeur, retirement and properties, to the detriment of everything else. To think that, for the majority of my tenure, I barely knew that she existed, while “school” funneled the lion’s share of my $350/monthly tuition to her.

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If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …

Recently another “disgruntled ex-student” recommended an episode of the radio program This American Life . It explored regrets; the segment, This is Just as Hard for Me as it is for You, tells the story of a man born & raised in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during the Warren Jeffs reign (convicted child molester & polygamist).

It kicks off with church leaders acting paranoid, seeing threats everywhere and asking the congregation’s men to help intimidate some former members. The church instructed these men to vandalize farm equipment, etc., owned by the apostates. The church told these men, “You can’t tell your wives.” (By the way, The Witness Wore Red, by Rebecca Musser — formerly a child-wife married to “the profit” who escaped the group with her children — corroborates this account).

The secrecy rattled this man — but he didn’t question: “That wasn’t something we did,” he explained. The party line was that he “didn’t owe his wife an explanation”, “if she wants answers, she should pray harder” and “a man doesn’t need to tell his wife everything.” At times, he said, she would hide in the bathroom and “weep it out and I would turn my back on her and force myself to not feel… I drove her to a place where she was very depressed.” Eventually she left him and their five children.

Other bizarre edicts followed including the decree that kids weren’t allowed to have toys and play. He could not abide this; so he turned to the church for help. Like his wife, the church told him: you just need to pray more, get over it. Like his wife, he became dangerously depressed. His kids were his lifeline; determined to give them a real childhood, he drove away one day, kids in the car, never to return.

The escape yielded mixed results; eventually, he lost his entire family. But he fulfilled his intention — to free his kids, who now live with adopted families and are able to play and learn like kids should.

Perhaps some of the cultic hallmarks and tactics sound familiar? Paranoia; secrecy; dismissal of “only life things”; pat and canned responses to legitimate concerns and questions, i.e. one-dimensional “help”; the dismissal of his wife as a person, their relationship as incidental, his struggle as insignificant; the required surrendering of everything to the higher cause; the victim blame, etc. etc. etc. Some readers may have had the visceral experience of losing everything.

At this point, I’ve talked to many ex-members of various high-demand groups; these groups all use the same tactics, exactly like “school”. Each one has its specific nomenclature, but the gears grinding the wheels are exactly the same.

Admittedly depressing, it is also empowering to awaken to the widespread disease called cults.  Educating myself freed me of the magical thinking that assigned mystical power to the group. “School” is just one more sleazy cult, misusing philosophical ideas for selfish gain.

 It is no different than Scientology, except smaller, more hidden, less successful and perhaps not quite as extreme. But …then again… who knows. You can read this book and determine for yourself.

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A New Resource: sharonganscult.com

This site has come to my attention lately — http://www.sharonganscult.com/

It changes often, but today’s iteration encourages current “students” to leave the ranks. It provides an email address for those who want to reach out and addresses the following “school”-bound fears and obstacles:

1) Losing friends

2) Losing marriage or relationship with another “student”

3) Working for a “school”-based business

4) Losing “the work”

It suggests taking a 3-week experimental hiatus from all things “school”.

When I think back, the only thing that kept me from taking a break was my belief in the institution and the control I gave it — I felt like I had to ask permission. I knew the answer would be no. I bought into some idea about “not letting the work go cold for more than 48 hours”, or something like that. I felt “school” lording over me, as if monitoring me from above, documenting all of my sinful and “coarse” thoughts and feelings. I am amazed at the amount of control I gave this thing over my time and life.

Yep. If you’re thinking about a break, take it. I believe you will soon discover that “school” isn’t God, can’t control your life and you might even get some perspective on the experience and start to feel the freedom that comes when not participating in its bi-weekly indoctrination rituals.

It’s a sweet freedom. It’s your life. I encourage you to reclaim it.

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Happy Thanksgiving – Gratitude List

You always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.

This is my fourth “school”-free holiday season and I find I have much for which to be grateful. Many of these things came directly from my evolutionary tenure. Every “school”-free day contrasts sharply with my “school”-dictated life, highlighting what leaving the hallowed halls brought to me:

1) A well-honed bullshit detector – while, I have never regretted leaving the institution, I also don’t regret the experience. I do wish that I’d listened to my rebels sooner — five years and roughly $20,000 is way more than I wanted to invest in this con game. However, allowing “school” to yank me around for a time did prove valuable. It reminded me of that childhood lesson from the The Wizard of Oz: everything I need, everything you need, exists within me, and within you, already. The wizards who tell you otherwise, offering pat and overly simplified advice, alleged informed by convenient interpretations of certain esoteric ideas is, at best, deluded and at worst, sociopathic.

2) A trusted connection to my inner moral compass and path — Every “school”-free day bears gifts in ways to embrace this connection. Every moment, good, bad, challenging, boring, heartening, frustrating, inspiring — whatever comes — offers me the opportunity to honor what feels right to me and leave behind what doesn’t. I’m free from the cognitive dissonance that wrestled with my inner sense when it didn’t line up with the outer party line. I own my time and life, for better or worse: I spend my days with those I love and doing what I want. I am free to share whatever I experience, feel and think with whomever I’d like. This freedom constantly reminds me that every breath is a gift. It is my responsibility to use my remaining breathes wisely, instead of giving them away. And, by the way, I have a lot more energy.

3) An unencumbered holiday season — The holidays are no longer strained with the unnecessary “school”-sponsored usurpation, otherwise known as The Christmas Party. All accompanying marital stress fell away. My friends and family no longer wonder why I am so unavailable and what could possibly be keeping me busily scrambling around. In fact, now that they all know about the illustrious group and its infamous Christmas party, we’ve had a lot of laughs, and lemme just tell you, keeping secrets takes a lot of energy.

4) A reconnection to my inner creative voice — at some point I will research and write more extensively about the cult-usurpation-of-your-creative-energy phenomenon. For now I will simply say that in 2006, when I joined an “informal discussion group”, I hoped that the it would strengthen and affirm my creative dreams. Five years later, I felt severed from those dreams — songwriting, prose writing, even simple morning pages, ala The Artist’s Way, all felt impossible. The flow of ideas and music that had been with me since childhood shut down. Before my tenure — however insecure and lost I felt — those ideas outlined my dreams and woke me up in the morning. They provided a sense of purpose, and I honored them, despite uncertainty about how to shape and define that purpose. Once I left the cult and started writing my story, I reconnected to that creative voice. Recently songs again began outlining my dreams and waking me in the morning. Welcome back!

5) A clarity of purpose – In leaving the cult, I freed my time. In freeing my time, I freed my mind. In freeing my mind, my voice came forth to tell this ridiculous tale. In putting out this blog, I released my psyche from “school’s” cancerous secrecy. This is my experience of freedom of mind. Secrets cloud and shroud. Clarity arrived when I stopped carrying them around. I believe the purpose of artistic creativity — in whatever modality — is connecting to this authentic voice and empowerment through the expression of your truth. I believe this because I found all the healing I needed within the creative process.

6) My marriage — When I left the cult, I suddenly found myself home more, sharing time with my husband. I suddenly found more energy, physical, emotional, cognitive and psychological to give to him. When I stopped protecting the “highly-evolved esoteric institution”, I suddenly had more to share with him. I left “school” because I knew my marriage would end if I didn’t. But I didn’t realize the damage inflicted until I confessed the inner workings and heard him him talk about his experience of “school’s” highly evolved “help”, as it increasingly dismissed him and our marriage as “only a life thing”. I’m thankful that instead of tearing us apart, we’ve used “school’s” education to strengthen our commitment.

7) Real friendships with real people – One of “school’s” most insidious aspects is the isolation. If you “follow school rules” to the letter, you find yourself in an invisible prison; it eats up more and more of your “only life”. If you leave, you are stonewalled. Additionally you are to pretend like it didn’t happen — “don’t leak”. If you run into a fellow disgruntled at Trader Joe’s both of you are to ignore each other. How crazy making. If you break “school” rules, you find that relationships, friendships, have their own organic rhythm. There is nothing evolved about a group that micromanages and engineers “essence friendships”. I have learned so much about the strength and character of my fellow disgruntled(s) by breaking the “non-fraternization rule.” They no longer embody the flat one-dimensional “school” perpetuated cult identity of the group.

On that note, I will end by offering the hope that your “school”-free existence has benefited you, as mine has benefited me. Because when you find your feet walking a path, directed by your internal compass, to your true north, as Dorothy says, there’s no place like home.

Happy Thanksgiving and here’s to a “school”-free holiday season! Cheers!

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More on “School’s” Legal Tactics

If you’re interested in the latest in legal, the blog Clever Sincerity has a couple of updates:

1) Additional URLs to Access Clever Sincerity: Last spring, the New York court system served me papers; specifically an order to disclose the identity of  “sleepwalker”, the creator of Clever Sincerity. The papers claimed this:

“The Respondent is the only individual in possession of the ip address, email address and other information relating to the Unknown Defendant. By Respondent’s own admissions, she has engaged in conversations with the Unknown Defendant. The Petitioners are unable to pursue their claim anonymously against the owner of the subject website, and therefore must use the information solely within the Respondent’s possession to learn the owner’s identity.”

The Petitioners were/are seeking to sue this person and remove a dossier from the blog. The truth is I have no idea who Sleepwalker is — but that story is for another post. For now I’ll just say, I gave them the information “solely within my possession”: two anonymous emails (one of which was included in the “order to disclose” that they served to me), a screen shot of the “offending comment” (I guess this was my admitted “conversation“), and an IP address located in Germany. It appears that the petitioners are now trying to remove the blog.

2) Joseph Stilwell undergoing SEC investigation: I know of at least two law suits filed by Stilwell against “disgruntled ex-students”. Apparently, Stilwell is now also suing the SEC: http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/10/01/us-sec-stilwell-idUSKCN0HQ4V920141001

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“School’s” Legal Tactics

Recently, some of you readers noticed that I removed River of Joy’s series on “school” “experiments”. Your concern is duly noted, as “school” appears to be monitoring this blog and adopting a tactic of harassing those around me. The evolved institution’s legal arm sent a cease and desist letter demanding that those posts be removed.

Many cults use legal bullying to silence criticism; after all, anyone can file a lawsuit — the stated claims don’t have to be true to file. Scientology is famous for this tactic as outlined here:

https://www.princeton.edu/~achaney/tmve/wiki100k/docs/Scientology_and_the_legal_system.html

Last spring, I spoke with a couple who were sued by a cult named The Gentle Wind (I’m trying not to make fun of that name, The Gentle Wind). The cult lost. You can read about that case here:
http://cyber.law.harvard.edu/wg_home/clinical/gwp

By the way, for a general compare and contrast between The Gentle Wind, and “School”, visit this couple’s website: http://www.windofchanges.org/index.html.

Is “school” following the lead of those larger, more successful cults? You have all had your own experiences of “school” and can come to your own conclusions based on those experiences.

Meanwhile, I have taken the “offending posts” down — for now — while I consult with various lawyers.

Stay tuned.

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“School” – The Musical

I am pleased to announce “school”- the-musical-to-be’s first song, Starry-Eyed Believers (although, if I pay the composer of The Oh.So.Good. Song. enough royalties, maybe that song will be on the sound track, too)

Thank you, Oh, Fellow “Disgruntled”, for recording, engineering & producing.

Starry-Eyed Believers

The starry-eyed believers
Seek any kind face
You, the deceiver,
Sensed a trace
The delicious longing of those so insecure
Makes for perfect fish to lure

The starry-eyed believers
Seek any kind word
You, the deceiver
Saw and heard
The hollow voice … and the pleading look
Grabbed your fishing pole and slipped the bait on the hook

So the siren song begins
Sweet and full of lies
Such a seductive melody
Such a pretty disguise

Lost souls float aimlessly
Waiting on you to set them free
Mouths agape and biting for the bait
Custom-made for you to captivate

Let the feeding frenzy begin
Don that devout disguise
You’re ready for the bait and switch
You got a lotta’ fish to fry

Bottom Feeders, parasites
Sharks on the hunt, vultures in flight
Even Bernie Madoff’s got nothing on you
Get your cauldron out you’ve got some guppies to stew